Well, one of the things God asked me to do when I started this blog, was to be a testimony even though I might be knee-deep in the chaos. Even if I wasn't yet fixed up and mended. I remember thinking that wouldn't be very persuasive to people that might read or follow along. You see, my earthly mind only sees so much and my first reaction was, why would people come to Christ if I testified then? How could I convince anyone if I was just a dirty hot mess? His answer, as I've said before was as clear as a bell, 'How better to testify about belief and trust in Him, if not then'? This wasn't the only time he urged me on, I had lots of reservations on how to move forward with my testimony and with my life in general. You see, I suffered from severe and frequent anxiety and panic attacks and they made moving in any direction quite a challenge. However I promised, as incapable as I am of making a perfect promise, that once He had declared me healed I would proclaim it for all to hear. In fact I said I would shout it out and spread the word. Yep, that's what I promised.
So then why is it when I went to a women's retreat a month ago and had such an amazing revelation that I didn't say a word? Now, sure I didn't tell a web full of strangers about something so strikingly personal and intimate - okay. But, I didn't tell my nearest and dearest either. Not my mom, my kids, my family, my friends. Not even my best friend who sat next to me and held me to her side as I was sobbing uncontrollably with joy and elation, trying to process God's message to me! Until now, I didn't say a word. These weren't just family, just friends, these were people impacted by my illness, invested in my recovery. These were people that have been on this journey with me for years. Painful, wrentching years. Even my husband waited for days before I mentioned what happened to me that day. Mentioned. Not a shout, but a mention. Curbed in a way that was hopeful, but not sure. I told him about it in private, unable to claim it the way it was gifted to me. It's like I didn't want to put it out there for anyone to hold me to, you know in the event I misunderstood, in case I got it wrong. I've noticed the difference too, everyday. The way I look at the triggers that used to turn me upside down has changed. The way my body reacts to different situations is different. Still, I said nothing, I did nothing.
Oh, I am not ungrateful, in case you were wondering. I praised Him daily for the blessing, and often. Spent more quality time in worship even. But it wasn't what I had promised, it wasn't the same as proclaiming His glory at the top of my lungs. It wasn't the same as bearing witness to His love.
Over the last couple of weeks I've heard direct reference to Matthew 5:14-16 You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father. So, when I faltered the last two days and needed My Dad in heaven to remind me who I am, I recalled the promise I'd been too afraid to keep. And while my healing does require my dependence on Him always, my trust in Him always and that does mean I can falter, His truth is perfect and unfailing always. So when He reminds me the name He has written on my heart with His own hands, I can rely fully on that truth without a doubt. And you know what? It's like that saying, God don't make no junk, He didn't make me to be afraid, to worry to fear things of this world and that's not how He named me or how He sees me.
The Father has healed this imperfect child of His. He has given me authority over my enemy and will never leave my side. He did this out of love for me and I will lift my voice to praise Him and return that love the best that I can. I will not be perfect, but He already knows that and has chosen to love me anyway.
