If you are not a Christian, I
pray you will read my story anyway.
Thanks.
Affliction. I suppose I have more than one, but perhaps
the one that stands out to me the most is the anxiety and panic attacks I
suffered for over 8 years. During my
recovery, which I believe I’m still in the midst, I’ve learned many valuable
lessons. And while there were many
resources that God put in my path to aid in my healing, the greatest factor was
without question Jesus Christ.
So, what did I learn? Well, I remember about two years ago as I was
going through a recovery program I was told that part of my inability to get
well was because I didn’t want to. I was
instantly offended. “That couldn’t be me
– I’m miserable. Being subject to
anxiety, panic, depression and all the junk that comes along with those
diagnoses are difficult to live with.
Surely, I wouldn’t in any way, want to be afflicted with these things,
let alone continue to endure them.” And
then I was told the part I was hanging onto, maybe even looking forward to
wasn’t the pain and misery, but the “high.”
When you have something like
anxiety and panic attacks there are lots of lows. Depression can creep in, low self-esteem,
feelings of failure and loneliness. It
gets deep people. Think of sinking into
a deep void in the ground and not being able to climb out. The more you struggle up those muddy walls,
the deeper the void gets until you resolve to just sit at the bottom and wait
to be rescued. Pretty low, right? I’d get to places that were unthinkable. I knew they were not right and I would even
feel guilty about how dark my thoughts were.
I was blessed to be introduced to God at a very early age, and well the
God I learned of, the God I knew of wouldn’t allow me to be in this place
without His grace to sustain it a, so why was it so dark for me? I would begin to spiral out of control. Maybe it was a headache I couldn’t explain, a
pain in my back, stomach, arm or leg – but I would start to obsess over that
one little thing until it was all I could think about. I would literally make myself sick over it -
the breathing, hearing my own heart race, sweating, hearing probably every
function our bodies make during a normal day, nausea, getting lightheaded -
none of it seemed natural. This would
persist until I would have to be rushed to the hospital. Sometimes it wasn’t so severe, I would just
go into the doctor and have them run up thousands of dollars in tests. All just so the doctors could come in the
room and tell me “Mrs. Sauceda, it looks like you’re fine. All your tests came back clean. You’re in perfectly good health.” There it is, relief. The high.
Those moments, hours, even days after sometimes when I could breathe deeply
and feel safe and alive. Don’t get me
wrong it didn’t always end with a medical visit. Sometimes it was just having my six year old
daughter go with me to the restroom, at home.
There were times I’d have my husband wake up in the middle of the night
to stay awake while I slept. I’m not
gonna lie, in a pinch I’ve called someone on the phone and cried silently while
they spoke, just so I wasn’t alone. But
that moment of rescue, of relief was a high.
And I had started looking forward to those highs. This doesn’t mean I was actively staging
panic attacks, absolutely not. My fears
were as real as anything can be. Having
someone bring this to my attention, that I was not fully recovering from this
because I had become dependent on those moments of relief, well I didn’t take
it well. I remember being angry and
offended. This illness was not of my
choosing. No one decides to be afflicted
with fear. How dare he suggest that I
have choice?!
I skipped a few days of my
program in protest. But after a few days
of prayer I returned to hear the same message.
And there I found clarity.
Immediately, I thought this opens up a whole world of
possibilities! No, I didn’t choose to
have anxiety or panic attacks any more than someone chooses to develop
diabetes. While this may be the cross I
was given to bear, I had choices.
Instantly I saw a spectrum of people, afflicted people, did they have
choices too? People addicted to drugs,
alcohol, food, sex, gambling, those seemed easier to see – they had
choices. Pedophiles had choices. Homosexuals had choices. And people that were ill, people with some
mental illnesses, people with some diseases, injuries and some disabilities – I
saw choices. It wasn’t as simple as
choosing not to be afflicted – that was already done, I already was. But, choosing to submit to those afflictions
or not, well that is where the choice was revealed to me. I could decide to permanently live in fear,
eventually succumbing to darkness, not leaving the house, quitting my job, not
driving, not living OR I could fight the uphill battle to be free of my
affliction – or at least to use it be a source of help and hope for others.
The question became:
I didn’t choose to be afflicted by anxiety and panic attacks, I
have God’s word that I was not created to be afraid – it was not the
purpose for which I was intended, but anxiety and panic attacks are like
a gift to me, as a way to refine me like the finest gold. How can I glorify God by coming through this
affliction and serving as a testimony to God’s power, mercy and love?
(Woah, I gotta tell you, this
feels amazing!)
Okay, so it was hard to admit
that I was afflicted. Who wants to hear
that? Hearing that I had a choice was no
picnic either, still a little bummed about that one. And while realizing that, like it or not, the
one true God designed and created every part of me specifically to accomplish
some task(s) is overwhelming and awesome, it comes with a big load of
responsibility and pressure. It’s like
being at work and your boss picking you to employ a project that only you have
the skills to do impeccably. But God’s
word is absolute and true and I have His promise that He will make my
imperfection into what it takes to do His will.d
This- part- is- not- easy.
Waiting. This was not an overnight
recovery or transition, in fact I do believe that despite being in recovery for
the last two years, I’m still on my way
to full and complete recovery. My
affliction was with me for a long time, perhaps long before the 8 years
began. It grew on me, I’d lived with it
for so long, it was the only way I knew how to be – it was almost comfortable,
even. Old habits die hard and I still
catch myself reverting to what is easy and the path of least resistance. But, I’ve chosen to be led by Christ –
sometimes that means I walk hand in hand with Him and other times it means He’s
got my wrist and he’s pulling me along where I can’t get a foothold on my
own.e I just keep saying, “Father, don’t
let go of me!”b And He doesn’t. He won’t.
Ever.
Today, where I am, I can see the
light. I can feel the warm sun on my
face. It’s still not easy, my life hasn’t
turned into rainbows and unicorns overnight.
I still struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, feelings of sadness or
failure. But it is easier. I don’t delay, I call on God’s help
constantly. The part where I see God and
feel Him lighten my load is more frequent and pronounced. Will it ever be forgotten, will I get so far
from my affliction that it will be a distant memory – I hope not. I want to remember the pain, I want to wear
my affliction like a badge or maybe like a crown.c A trophy.
Like a pelt that proudly proclaims, “I defeated this enemy with the
sword.”f And I’ll wear the sword around
my neck too, The Cross, Jesus.
Maybe this sounds like a stretch
to you, but I challenge you – scroll back up and read the question. What’s your affliction? Fill it in the blanks. If you dare to believe that there is ONE true
God and He has the power to do all things for His glory, what do you think He
will do through you? If you believed,
just for a moment that your affliction is a means to refine you like gold, or
diamonds, and that just asking one time could change your whole world into
something beyond your wildest imagination – would you do it? If you aren’t a believer in Jesus Christ, I
ask you to open your heart to the possibility for just as long as it takes you
to read the question. If you are a
believer, I ask you to do the same.
I prayed for you and over these
words before they ever appeared on the screen.
I will keep praying for you, that you know you are loved and worthy
because God says you are.g I pray that
you will feel His love for you and come to know Him. AMEN.
a 1 Corinthians 10:13
b Psalm 34:17-20
c James 1:12
d Philippians 4:19
e 2 Corinthians 11:14
f Hebrews 4:12
g Romans 5:8
