Merry Christmas!

Today, like many of you, I’ll set out to finish up some Christmas shopping.  I love to shop and Christmas shopping is even better.  The crowds are big, the decorations are up, the music is playing and everyone is out there thinking of how to put a smile on the face of someone they love!  Sure, the parking is a challenge, lines are long and some people get grouchy – but there are some benefits to these things too.  When we park far, I get to hold hands and snuggle with my sweetie while we take the long chilly walk from the car to the door.  When we’re in line, I meet other people and make small talk or I get to have uninterrupted conversations with my shopping buddy.  And the best part is when people are grumpy I get to really exercise spreading peace and joy by smiling, holding doors open, being helpful and wishing EVERYONE a Merry Christmas.  I really do love wishing strangers a Merry Christmas.  For whatever reason, it is always met with that unexpected expression – surprise.  It’s like the look I aim for when my loved ones open my gifts for them on Christmas morning.  It really is the best.

Jesus is and will always be the best gift we’ve ever received.  I mean, who isn’t warmed at the sight of a baby?  The story of His birth is beautiful and captivating – but that’s not even the half of it.  Jesus became a teacher and a healer all before giving His own beautiful life to save ours.  It’s important that we look at this on an extremely personal and intimate level.  Think of what Christ endured at His death and know that He did this just for you.  Not for millions, but for you – just you.  Wow.  Now think of your loved ones and that the crucifixion happened for each of them.  And then try to imagine the love that it would take you to do that for some one person that you loved.  Now imagine further how much love it would take to do that for one person that didn’t treat you with love or respect or perhaps didn’t acknowledge you or worse denied you.  It is quite a love, right?  So this is God’s love for each one of us individually, that He would sacrifice His son.  And the love of Jesus, that He would submit himself to that kind of death for each one of us.  This is why Christmas is special.  This is why gifts of peace and joy are important at Christmas.  By spreading these to strangers, I get to sprinkle some of God’s love on them to feel and see.  I literally get to celebrate the birth of my Savior – our Savior – every time I wish someone a Merry Christmas.

Now days there is a lot of worry put on offending people by using the word Christmas at this time of year.  To that I say this:  People are born.  The day they are born is called a birthday.  Even non-Christians believe Jesus was a real person.  Christmas is His birthday.  You don’t have to believe He is who He is to recognize his birthday.  You don’t have to believe in Him at all, He’s proven that already.  He already died for your friends, your family, your neighbors and yes, even for you knowing full well you would never believe in Him or love Him.  As for me and my family we will celebrate, we will spread the joy that only God could give us and we wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Paying it Forward

Wow!

So I haven’t posted anything new in the last few weeks because I let myself get distracted.  But big things have definitely been happening.  Again, wow.  There is so much, so I’ll try not to ramble.  Fingers crossed.

This week I missed a phone call from a childhood friend that I hadn’t spoken to in years – yes years.  She texted me a question about dealing with anxiety and panic.  So, let me rewind just a bit.  I have been praying for God to use me as a vessel to pour out His blessings onto someone else for weeks and months now.  So, I call back and immediately I hear the despair in her voice.  We talked for a good while about what she was experiencing and things she could do to alleviate her stress.  I told her about people I had come to know and stories of recovery, including my own.  I found that from this perspective, I am still learning so much about myself.  Like, why would I look to the Lord as a last resort for assistance?  Duh – He should ALWAYS be my first call.  Anyway, when we got off the phone I immediately collapsed into the lap of the Lord.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for so many things.  I was grateful for His answer to my prayers.  My husband, my kids, forgiveness, this opportunity to help someone who was in pain, support of friends and family, healing, others recovering from anxiety, the videos, the cd’s, the articles, my therapist were all appreciated so much more in that moment than they had ever been in regards to this part of my life.  Even the dark moments when I was at my very worst and felt so very broken made me grateful.  I was g

rateful that I could speak to her, to anyone, with experience and perspective.  Wow.

Funny thing is it didn’t stop there.  I recalled a family friend telling me about his own experience with anxiety and panic.  He had offered me his own experiences and an ear when I needed someone to talk to.  I know, these kinds of offers seem so cliché and almost obligatory.  I knew it was coming from a place of sincerity and kindness, but I wasn’t sure I would ever really call.  But in those seconds after hanging up with my old friend, I understood how genuine and important this offer had been.  I understood how important being able to help someone else is to my recovery and healing and how it very well could be for someone else as well.  I had to write this family friend and thank him for his encouragement and let him know what he had done for me.  I can’t recreate the emotions that I was feeling when I wrote to him, so I’d like to share part of the letter:

I just had to write. As you know, I’ve been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for several years now. Today I certainly feel like I am in a much better place along my path to recovery. When I ran into you earlier this year and you shared your experience with me and offered your counsel, I was truly appreciative. With God’s help and the many tools and people He has placed in my life over the last year or two, I think I’m closer than ever to full recovery. But, I want you to know just how much your offer has impacted me over the last 6-8 months. Joe and I talked about it and while I never called, just knowing someone so positive and on fire for the Lord had not only gone through this but had emerged on the other side of it stronger and able to really smile was such an encouragement to me (and Joe) many many times. Although we’ve never sat down and swapped stories – and I still think we should someday – your success and healing has been a sure source of inspiration.

…I thought of you and what your words and generosity have meant to me and I just had to share that with you. You have to know that God has used you in this very specific circumstance to be a blessing to someone else and that it has been paid forward and so it is reaching beyond those you know personally. Isn’t that amazing?! Your suffering, your hurt, the sacrifice of your family for the length of time you were afflicted were for something great. It meant something. Thank you and I hope you are blessed by just knowing how much you and your beautiful wife and family are appreciated.

As for my friend, I plan on staying in touch with her and praying for her healing.  She is far stronger than she thinks.  I mean reaching out to ask and to call someone you haven’t spoken to in years was such a courageous and brave thing to do!

Me?  I will continue to “Just Write.”  Only now, I think I have the direction I have been waiting for and I am renewed and encouraged to take a leap of faith.

Begin it or renew it, I encourage you to start your conversation with the Lord.  Be thankful, be expectant and be willing.

Pray Expectantly

The holidays are among us.  I love everything about the holidays: the weather, the baking, the decorating, the music, the shopping and yes, even the crowds.  Hosting my family for Thanksgiving is stressful, but preparing a feast and a comfortable space for them brings me so much joy.  Knowing we will spend the whole day together visiting and enjoying each other’s company is something I look forward to every year.

My husband works in the mortgage industry.  Several years ago he was working for a company that closed its doors, and then another.  For a few years we crossed our fingers as one company after another succumbed to a faltering housing market.  We could usually get through about 9 ½ months with only an occasional scrape or bruise (meaning we had to figure out how to make $87.32 last 14 days for a family of four).  But it always seemed like just before the holidays, something extra would come up to make things just a bit more difficult to overcome.  Maybe a busted tire, a hospital visit or another office closure just before Thanksgiving would set the whole rest of the year into a tailspin.  And while we would recover, sometimes it took months.  By March, we were back to getting by on our shoestring budget.  When the kids were younger, it was easy to keep them from noticing how we stretched a dime.  And we could forego anniversary and Christmas gifts to each other, but it was all exhausting and I wondered if we would ever make it out of the cycle we seemed to be stuck in indefinitely.  I prayed.  Mostly as a last resort, but I did ask God to swoop in and help us out and somehow He would get us through.

Earlier this week we found out something extra had come up and it would affect our holidays.  I was so angry.  Quickly I flipped a switch – feeling trapped and somewhat betrayed.  Here we were working so hard to provide for our family and then out of the blue something was going to drive us off course.  And then I remembered something… prayer shouldn’t be a last resort.  While I’ve been very consistent about praying expectantly for family, friends, health, relationships and safety – I realized my prayers for our finances were a little different.  It came to my attention that I’d been praying expectantly for everything that I thought was out of my control.  For the things that I felt like I could control, I was only praying for backup.  Oh My Gosh!  Really?  Everything I know about God is that He wants me to be entirely dependent on Him.  I should be mindful of how He has never failed me, how He has always provided, even in ways that I couldn’t foresee.

So I did send up my prayers.  The next morning I took special care to thank God for all that He has provided for us, for never leaving our side.  And I asked Him to see us through this.  That evening my husband came home with some good news.  He had won a contest at work that meant a bonus.  My heart was immediately overwhelmed.  We love such a merciful and wonderful God.

Aftershocks

 Two weeks ago I had anxiety attack.  Now it wasn’t an 8 on the Richter Scale or anything, but it was definitely enough to rattle my walls.  Since then I’ve experienced several ‘aftershocks’.  One of the worst things about my particular brand of this disorder is that I become hypersensitive.  In particular, my heightened awareness and sensitivity goes beyond physical anomalies occurring inside my body – like small headaches, body aches, the progression of my digestion, clicks and pops of my joints, tiny nerve or muscle spasms.  Yes, I begin to notice everything around me too – my messy room, a dirty glass on the table, a late appointment, forgotten to-do list, a blouse that won’t button, the inflection in someone’s voice,   sighs, expressions – I could go on here for days, but you get the idea.  Of course I don’t just notice - I then become grossly irritable, agitated, and then just mean.  There is no intended victim of my offenses, just anyone that happens to be in the immediate line of fire.

No, this is not my proudest moment.  No, there is not an excuse.  No, there is no “but” coming.

My family has become accustomed to this shameful routine, as they are almost always the casualties of my short fuse and sharp tongue.  I see it in their body language, how they approach me, how they often wave the white flag and even how they argue with me – and now how they argue with each other.  I can see what the last 8 years has done to them, how it has affected who they are, how they approach their own challenges and how they receive their own joy and happiness.  Wow.  As I look over and watch them sleep this morning I could really kick myself for how unpleasant this has been on them.  I could sit here and cry all morning about how unfair it is that they have been so affected by my mess.  If bandits tied me to a train track, what kind of mom would say, “oh yeah, can you grab my husband and my kids and tie them up next to me”?  Duh!  That wouldn’t happen.  So, how have I allowed this dark cloud to damage these beautiful people I love so dearly?  More importantly, how have I allowed myself to participate in that hurt?

 

I really have tried to keep them separate from my disorder, but surely I can do a better job of this.  I know the healing is coming, it’s here, but it is not complete.  Perhaps quakes or aftershocks will happen again but I pray for some restraint in lashing out on the people around me.  In 1 Corinthians, chapter 13 the bible says:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.

God has told us that the greatest gift is love, that we can do all things through Christ whom he gave us because he loved us so much.  So, I pray not just for restraint but for love to win out over fear.

Parenting Can Get Scary

This week has been particularly taxing.  My son is in his first year of Jr. High and experiencing many of the changes that kids his age are facing these days.  As parents, Joe and I have been experiencing some changes of our own.  While our son is transitioning to different types of school work and new friends, we are adjusting to raising a teen (well, a pre-teen).  We’re learning “new math,” finding out about these new friends and trying to understand new attitudes.  Add this to raising another active child, jobs, home, sports, last-minute Halloween costumes – aaarrrgh!  It’s just a lot.  And honestly, I don’t think I have the wine budget to support it all.

Now, we’re pretty tough on our kids, but the last week has really felt a lot like we’re just nagging and nagging.  Did you check your homework?  Quit picking on your sister!  Hurry up!  Clean your room!  Watch your mouth!  What’s with the attitude?  Don’t procrastinate!

We noticed that all the nagging may actually give him the wrong impression.  While our objective was to help him make a smoother transition, perhaps our methods have been somewhat counter-productive.  We started to think that we were communicating (falsely) that we were unhappy with the young man he is right now, that we are disappointed in what the kid has accomplished and how great he already is.  YIKES!  RESET.  We needed to let him know that we LOVE LOVE LOVE him, are super proud of him and want only the best for him.  Aiming for perfection and speaking out to correct him at every turn has led us astray as parents.  Maybe we need to switch gears and encourage him, support him and recognize him for all the things that he is doing well.  We certainly see those things and know those things, but we have been so focused on the struggles he’s having that we’ve neglected to praise the success he’s having at the same time!

He needs to know that we are happy he is doing well in school, even though he’s dealing with more challenging subjects and more work.  We’re proud of how supportive he is of his sister in her school work and her sports.  We love how much he shows care and affection to his relationships with family and friends, even though most kids his age think that’s not cool.  We appreciate how brave he is to go out and make new friends on his own.  We like how hard he works at sports and music while still trying to help teach others.  We think it’s great how much he reads.  Overall, we want him to know how awesome he is!

It reminds me of how God must feel about us.  When we, as adults, are always focused on what we are doing wrong, what isn’t working out, what we have to fix – God is always loving us for all that we are and all He knows we can and will be.  He loves us in spite of our faults and our mistakes.  And while God guides us to do good, He doesn’t want us to dwell on the past or on the negative.   He is merciful and forgiving.  He really is the ultimate example of how to be a parent.

I can’t wait till Jay gets home today, so I can tell him how great I think he’s doing!  And it’s really nice to know that God forgives me even when this parenting thing gets a little scary.

Put it in Prayer

It is my understanding that sometimes we are called to reach out to others to do God’s will.  Now, sometimes it is by example that we can best introduce those lost sheep to Christ Jesus.  But other times we must step out beyond our comfort zones and do real work to help others to know or re-acquaint with the Lord.  Several months ago, I met someone that is a declared non-believer.  Initially I felt sorrow for this person – living without hope or purpose.  Over the course of time, this difference in our beliefs has really challenged me.  You see, I feel a need to help this sheep find a way back to The Shepherd.   It is difficult not to want the peace of a life with Christ for others.  As a Christian, it’s hard to hear anyone speak out against something so integral to our everyday - to our every breath.  But we are reminded in the Bible, that while we shall make an effort to do God’s work, we should not argue with non-believers.

Pray for God to use you as a way for others to find Him.  Pray for the lost that they may be found, if not through you, some other way.  And pray for God's encouragement, understanding and peace for yourself when you are not the vessel through which a soul is recovered.  Trust that God will save those who are to be saved and He will see to those who are to be lost.

On another note, I wasn’t always a pray-er.  Now, I find very few things more important/satisfying/rewarding/ than the time I spend in prayer.  While I understand not everyone may be called or moved to pray, I am.  So I try and remember that when faced with any roadblock that seems impassable, just pray. If you are not a pray-er, I hope you will give it a shot.  It may be awkward at first, but it’s kind of like trying a new exercise on your own for the first time.  A little uncomfortable.  “Is anyone looking at me?”   “Am I even doing this right?”  “I’ve been at this for a while, is it working?”  Try not to think of a right or wrong way to pray.  You don’t have to memorize anything.  As a matter of fact, my prayers are very much like a conversation.  Just go in with a thankful heart and you really can’t go wrong.

Let me share with you my daily prayer, which is hugely personal by the way.  But in any event, if it helps you to develop your own prayer, I’m happy to help:

Dear Lord, thank you for this day.  Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for keeping us safe.  Thank you for our good health.  Thank you for your provisions.  Thank you, Lord, for you countless blessings over us – the seen and unseen.  Lord, keep me mindful that I cannot comprehend your works or abilities, that I may be encouraged knowing your power is beyond my imagination.  I pray you will continue to keep us safe and healthy.  I pray you will continue to provide for all of our needs and that you will help us to be a blessing to others.  I pray for your guidance in all I say and do, that I might be good example of what it is to be a member of your family, that others may be led to you.   In the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Of course you may want to pray about specific things, but I have every confidence your prayers will be amazing!

Flip It

I like watching shows about flipping.  It’s cool to see someone purchase a home that is in less than ideal shape and put some work in to make it much more desirable.  Or the one where they find an item in a flea market and turn it into a one-of-a-kind piece.  The flipped project is almost always worth much more after the flip than it was worth in the beginning.  I like to consider myself somewhat creative, but I’m always surprised by the transformations between the before and after.  The ‘reveal’ is great because the ‘after’ confirms the potential that was imagined when we first saw the ‘before.’

Wouldn’t it be great if we looked at life that way?  I imagine we would see lots of potential in our lives, if we committed to looking at it with possibilities in mind.  And if that wasn’t good enough, distressed or worn items are prized finds – offering more character than something shiny and new.  Well, isn’t that good news?

Whether you are interested in making big changes in your life or small changes or if you just want to change how you perceive your circumstances I know God would love to be your celebrity craftsman.  So, just ask!

Ring, Ring... It's For You.

I often wonder how some people live without believing in God.  Where is their hope?  Do they have none? 

There are many examples in the bible that speak of the difficulties in following Jesus or believing in Him.  Trials.  Do I leave my life, my work to become an apostle?  Do I claim Him when I am questioned in an angry crowd?  Even when He performs miracles, do I fail to credit Him as the son of God? 

On many occasions, I have pondered if were I there, would I have been one of those that would have dropped everything to follow Him.  Would I have sit to listen to His teachings, or would I have been among the crowd calling for His crucifixion?  Many a Good Friday I have wept because I fear I would have been among the non-believers or worse, those believers too afraid to admit it.  I’ve been fearful and ashamed that I would likely have lied about my belief to save myself while He was going to His death for that very sin among my many others.  No doubt, being a Christian when He was in the flesh would have been so very hard.  Sometimes I wish my faith had been tested in those days, so I would know if I was good enough to have made the right choices.  (Don’t worry I’ll get back to that).

I guess following Christ now is hard too.  I mean, we can declare ourselves Christians, go to church, wear a cross around our neck, slap a Jesus fish on the back of our cars and call it a day.  But that’s not really following, is it?  No, I’m not afraid to say I believe in God.  I’m not scared to wear the t-shirt or ask for vacation time to attend a Christian women’s event.  I’m not even shy about asking people about their prayer life.  While that is not where I was 20 years ago, it’s not exactly following Him either.

I believe we are all called by God.  He has equipped each of us with a set of gifts, unique to us, that are necessary for our very individualized calling.  Some people are called to do great big things and some of us are called to do very simple things.  I don’t need to know if mine is one or the other, but all of the calls are important and necessary.  Now, I suppose not everyone hears the call or maybe some don’t realize that the ‘noise’ they hear is actually the phone ringing.  But just because we’ve turned our ringer off, it doesn’t change the fact that we’ve got messages piling up – ya know?  The hard part is stepping out onto the water.  I certainly don’t understand the reason for my calling, so it takes faith and trust in someone I’ve never seen or touched before.  Talk about hard.  Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m moving clumsily in the right direction, but I want so much to trust Him so I trudge on.  Oh, and I pray- a lot.  Every day in conversation, I ask if I’m doing this right.  Are you sure?  Just this?  Trust me, I’m like a new hire on the first day – every day.  (Yes, He’s also demonstrating what patience is supposed to look like just dealing with me every day!  LOL)

So you get the call, then what?  My ‘thing’ is not difficult for me, after all it is something I’ve been equipped to do – so it’s right up my alley.  The hard part isn’t doing what I’ve been called to do, it’s everything else:

      1.       That’s it?  Realizing I’m but a tiny fish in a great big sea sure puts things in perspective, thank you.  I’m an extrovert.  I like a challenge.  I tell stories and like to reveal the punchline in a grand finale.  Understanding that my role is so simple is a gut check, one that is remarkably necessary for me to give the props to my Creator and not attribute them to myself.

      2.       Time.  I’m a working mom (I know, redundant).  That means I’ve always got a list of stuff to get done.  Making time to visit with God every day, read The Gospel, meditate on what I’ve read is hard.  Then trying to relate my experience with something worthy and entertaining?  I really need to rely on God to flow through, I’m just a vessel.  This is actually very therapeutic, but carving out the time is still a challenge.

      3.       Acceptance.  Each time I answer my call, I learn something.  It’s not always pretty.  Accepting that new information and applying it to my life is hard.  Who wants to wake up and realize you’ve been doing something wrong and you need to change?  What about not knowing if it’s working?  If you paint a picture and sell it on the street, you know if it touched someone.   Accepting that you may never know if your works have reached someone or brought someone to a relationship with God… for me, that’s hard.  But again it’s about trust and faith in someone other than myself.

      4.       Knowing.  Perhaps this is the most difficult for me.  But knowing, and I mean really knowing, God decided before I was ever formed in my mother’s belly that I was good enough for Him is hard.  Not the belly part, I mean I was a baby – innocent.  But now, grown up me with years and years of sin under her belt and later, the old lady me with more sin than I’d care to look forward to having racked up.  He decided long before I was conceived that I, with all the sin I would ever pack into my carry-on luggage, was good enough.  I’ve done things, thought things that no human may ever know about – but He does.  And still, He’s claimed me?  It’s hard to know that.  What if I could love, forgive like that?  Knowing I don’t have that capacity today, yeah that’s hard too.

I hope you are encouraged to listen for your call.  I pray that however hard it is for you, you will perservere.

Appreciate a Breakthrough

Every once in a while we have a breakthrough, something that propels us forward and gives us a foothold in our efforts.  Perhaps it is something that is immediately noticeable, an ‘aha moment,’ when things click and begin to fall into place revealing a manageable game plan.  (I think of this looking like the Allspark in the Transformers movie, when it goes from the size of a mountain down to the size of a box of chocolates with just one touch.  Folding and retracting automatically and instantaneously).  Or maybe it’s something that we look at in retrospect and say, “oh wow, I bet that was the moment things started to go more smoothly.”  (I imagine this to look more like scraping paint of your house with a hand scraper and then employing a sand blaster.  The work gets much easier, but there is still much work required.  You may have to go back with the scraper to get some tough or tight spots, and then there is the clean-up - but looking back at the finished job you are grateful for the neighbor’s sand blaster, for sure).   However it happens for you, appreciate the breakthroughs.

When scientists reach a breakthrough in their research, we hear about it in the news.  “Researchers have reached a breakthrough in the fight against (insert condition here).  Doctors hope that this means they are closer to a cure for (insert condition again)”.  It’s important that when we have breakthroughs of our own, we remember this very important part – a breakthrough is not always a solution, but it is a surefooted step towards our goal.  We should be encouraged by breakthroughs and not discouraged by the work that is still ahead.  Enjoy the victory of a breakthrough, celebrate it and always be grateful.

My breakthrough:

As you may know, my anxiety – like that of many people who suffer from anxiety and panic disorders - revolves around an irrational fear of death.  I’ve spent plenty of time over the last few years feeling guilt over my fears.  I’m a Christian.  I believe in life after death.  I believe God has prepared a place for me in heaven and that life there with Him is greater than what I have the capacity to imagine.  So, why am I afraid to die?  Am I a bad Christian to not look forward to the afterlife?  If He stood before me and offered His hand, would I run and hide?  How cowardly!  How disrespectful!  How ungrateful!  But, a few weeks ago I had a breakthrough.  I remember it well.  I was in the shower offering up my prayers to God when He pointed out to me a difference I had not yet noticed on my own.  He asked me what I knew to be true about heaven, about life after death, about Him and His promises.  Then He asked me what about death I was most afraid of, what concerned me most, what caused me the most worry.  As I answered His questions aloud, I began to realize that dying was not my biggest fear.  In fact it wasn’t really among my top 5 biggest fears.  My friends, my biggest fear was not living.  While that may sound the same, it is actually quite different.  The fears I have are about not being able to experience life, about missing out on the gifts He gave me in this life.  And in case you haven’t been keeping up, I’ve already been doing that!  For the last eight years I’ve been living in a cave trying to avoid death – I don’t want to see it, talk about it, hear about it, remember it, think about it, risk it.  Even everyday language has changed… I don’t say “serious as a heart attack,” "live everyday like it's your last," “bored to death,” “you’re killing me,” “I’m dying to see them in concert.”  Death by Chocolate dessert?  No thanks.  SERIOUSLY?!  I’ve been missing out on living life to its fullest because I’ve been so preoccupied with fear.  Ironic huh?  Well, not anymore. I've already started a mantra for when I become hesitant or feel anxiety creep in... I say, "You are not afraid to die, you are afraid of not living - so live right now!"

I’m not yet sure if this breakthrough of mine is the aha moment kind or the sandblaster kind, but it is definitely a breakthrough and for that I am already grateful.  I pray for a breakthrough for you in your efforts – a relationship, finances, health or whatever they may be.  As for me, I don’t think I’m gonna take up skydiving, but maybe I’ll start checking the dessert menu. 

Calling All Heros

Yay! A post that has nothing to do with my anxiety (that I can tell).  This is a blessing that makes me so happy I thought it was worth noting.

Last night the family opted to stay in and watch a movie.  This is another picture based on a teen novel where the population is divided into segments and the unlikely young heroine is tasked with saving them all.  What I find interesting about these types of movies is that they take place in a future society where war and disease have riddled the world so much so that people are willing to allow this type of segregation just to survive, no matter how poor the quality of life might be.  It’s almost like we become so desperate to be alive that we choose to hand over our free will to anyone or anything that can offer us a day – despite how miserable that day is.*  (Ah!  There it is.)  In these stories, separation and conformity is a key objective of governance and survival.  The city is apparently the only civilization left, so of course they build a wall to keep themselves inside.  The population is separated into groups based on some arbitrary criteria, however there is always a lesser class and there is always an upper class which governs all the others.  And yes, even the lower classes manage to look down upon any class that is lower than their own.  I usually start these movies thinking, “Well, that’s not so bad, I mean if your alternative is a barren world outside of this last remaining piece of civilization.”  But let’s be honest, give any human that much control over another and inevitably they themselves will be tempted to promote their lives over the lives of others.   At the end of the day, it will take a rebellious and intuitive hero to look beyond the “fences” and see that in order for the world to not just survive, but to prosper, everyone must risk it all -break the chains of conformity and join forces in order to restore balance to their world.

Whew.  While that makes for good a good story line, I couldn’t help but recognize the parallels to our own world.  You see we are constantly reminded how different we are as people.  Turn on the television or click on the internet and you’ll see stories about wars in other parts of the world, you’ll hear about riots in our own back yards.  Race, religion, economic status, sex, political affiliation, education and many other things that make us unique are all topics to not only pronounce our differences to each other, but also to divide us as a society.  When I listen to talk radio, I’m supposed to become enraged at someone who has a different political perspective than my own.  I watch the news and I’m told that people in another country hate me because I was born an American.    On social media I see debates boasting levels of “rightness” based on levels of education.  The paper has stories of people fighting over rights based on sexual orientation.  I can even walk into a church and here chuckles about other religions!  (In church!  Really, people?)  It’s like a giant war brewing, being stirred up.  WHO would do that?

In fact, here’s what I know of my own experience:  I know people from other parts of the world, of those they could care less what country I was born in or live in.  I know soldiers that have been in some of these other countries and they were greeted with warmth and appreciation.  I know poor people.  Some are crappy, some are cool.  I know rich people.  Some are crappy, some are cool.  I know doctors.  Some are brilliant, some are idiots.  I know drop-outs, again some are brilliant while others are idiots.  I know heterosexuals.  Some care who you sleep with, some don’t care who you sleep with.  I know homosexuals.  Some care if you care who they sleep with, some don’t care if you care who they sleep with.  I know blacks, whites, brownies (I’m “Latina” “Mexican” “Mexican-American”…  I can call myself a brownie if I’d like.  And for the record I think it’s dumb that I have to list several acceptable Latino names.  I know what someone means when they say Mexican and if they aren’t trying to be offensive then I’m just not offended.), Asians, Italians, Germans and I’m sure many other –ans.  There are racists, non-racists, liars, honest people, thieves and givers among them all, true story.  I know Democrats. Some are good, others are not.  I know Republicans.  Some are good, others are not.  I know non-Christians.  Some are understanding, some are thoughtful, some are stubborn, some are mean and I think some are nuts.  I know Christians – Catholics, Baptists, Non-denominational, Lutheran, Methodists, and then some.  Some are understanding, some are thoughtful, some are stubborn, some are mean and yes, I think some are nuts.

I don’t blame the media, solely.  At the end of any day, I have to take responsibility for what I’m willing to believe.  I have to take ownership of my own willingness to be separated from my brothers and sisters on this planet.  If I allow someone to fence me off from my neighbors, that’s on me.  If I decide to take someone else’s word over my own personal experience and use that to determine how I view and treat others, it’s my fault.  If I decide it’s easier to conform to these types of evolving rules than to buck the system and question what I don’t agree with, ultimately I’m to blame.  I was given free will, we all were, long before I was given anything else and I’d like to use mine.

I don’t throw knives or shoot arrows (although I’ve always thought I’d enjoy that very much), but I do have a talent or two of my own.  So, I’d like to exercise my free will right now.  I’ve always been a tad rebellious, and I’d certainly like to think I’m intuitive.  I’ve told you what I see personally when I look past the fences of other people and I encourage you to do the same.  I choose not to conform to what anyone else thinks I should think about other people or how I should treat them and I invite you to consider that as well.  I choose not to conform to the idea of a diseased and war-ready human population.  I refuse to believe that everyone but me is cool just surviving in a world like that too.  And I’m definitely not handing over my free will to Satan and his sneaky ways.

*Many times when I write, I will have an idea of what I need to get into text.  However, sometimes I really have no clue and I just pray for guidance in what direction to take off into.  I just thought it would be cool to show you when the light came on for me today and give a little shout out and praise to our Heavenly Father.  Woohoo!

Valuable Experience

In a movie we watched yesterday evening, I heard something that stood out and I’d like to share it with you.  “You don’t have to save the world… I believe that’s already been done.”

Years ago, I experienced something out of the ordinary.  The man I worked for suffered a severe health emergency and died.  For years, I wrestled with many things surrounding this experience – as this is the event that likely led to my PTSD diagnosis.  Today, I still struggle with the memory of that experience, but I have come a long way and every once in a while I’m reminded just how far and sometimes even why.

Part of what plagued me is that I was in his office with him when it happened.  I was trained in CPR and first aid.  I was a quick and level-headed in an emergency.  So, why couldn’t I fix this?

How come I couldn’t save this person’s life?

Had I earned this punishment for something I did wrong?

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve pondered these questions over the last seven years.  It’s funny to me how self-centered we are sometimes that we really believe incidents we witness are all about us, isn’t it?  The truth is our God is so amazing it’s beyond our ability to comprehend and even beyond our ability to imagine.  See, He has orchestrated everything in this life down to the finest detail – there are no mistakes and there are no accidents.  Whatever we experience along the road of life He has meant for us to experience.  It becomes part of us, part of our story.  And I believe sometimes that story is intended for us to share, maybe to encourage others.  Or maybe our story is to prepare us to be a comfort to a friend.  But whatever the case, it’s only a part of us, only a part of our story – it’s not the whole thing.  With that said, it’s important to accept that being there with someone while they passed from this life into the next was exactly the role that was intended for me that day.

I’m not sure how I’ve already used what I went through or how I will use it in the future to help someone else.  I do believe, now, I wasn’t supposed to save that man.  I was supposed to be there, so he wouldn’t be alone.  I was supposed to be a friendly face.  I was supposed to bring comfort to his family.  I was supposed to use the experience to eventually support others.  All of these gifts were meant for other people to receive, which is perfect because I love giving gifts!

“Did He insist on my vision being the same as yours?  Of course not.  Did He make me one of those heros… no, that’s what I wanted.  God had a different plan.  God crushed my pride, opened my heart to love.  All I have to do, the one thing this love requires, is if I let others know they’re not alone.”

I think I can do this.  I think you can too.

(P.S. - The movie was Heaven is for Real.  If you haven't seen it, it's worth checking out.  Although the book, YES, is better.  Enjoy!)

Thank God for Our Vacation

A few weeks ago our family took a vacation.  First stop, my son's tournament then continue on to the beautiful beaches of Alabama.  I couldn't tell you the last time I vacationed away from home for more than 4 days, so this was an absolute treat for all of us.  The firsts were not just for me, for my children certainly had their share of new experiences.  Some were things I was able to impart, like their first time out of Texas, their first visit to New Orleans and beignets at Café Du Monde.  Other firsts were things we shared, like staying in a beach house, kayaking in the ocean and visiting some iconic tourist spots among many others.  This vacation was special for many reasons not all of which I'll reflect on now, but so you know this has already proven  to be one of those gifts that keeps on giving.  First of all, it was a much needed time of mandatory rest and relaxation for me.  That is not to say that there were not some bumps along the way.

So, we left on Friday for Jay's lacrosse tournament in New Orleans.  Due to some pretty harrowing rainy thunderstorms our five hour drive easily turned into eight.  It was somewhere about hour four that I realized I had forgotten my medication.  Now, as you know I have been making some significant progress in that area, so my medication travels with me strictly for "in case of emergency" situations.  Let me assure you, if you have never crossed the 23-mile, 2-lane, no shoulder, unlit bridge that goes over the center of  Lake Pontchartrain during a rainstorm in the complete dark of night - well, let's just say that would constitute an emergency anxiety situation.  Which reminds me, I should probably see about getting my fingernail impressions out of the inside door handle of the car.

By Tuesday we were already a couple of days settled in at the lovely beachfront house we would call home for the rest of the week.  The kids would get up at the crack of dawn (which, by the way, is earlier when you are so close to the time zone line) and go fish on the beach.  We wore a swimsuits everyday and didn't need shoes nearly at all.  One of the families that vacationed with us really were the guides of our vacation experience. These folks are no strangers to all things fishing, boating and beach life in general and it made for an exciting adventure we would not have otherwise enjoyed.  But about Tuesday... So, the kids would bait the rod that was anchored on the beach and then take bait out on the kayak and drop it a few hundred yards out and kayak back to shore.  The object being to catch bigger fish than what they could attract by fishing in waist deep surf.  By mid afternoon, this technique had landed a shark over 5 feet long up on our beach.  And for all you animal lovers, no need to panic - we released him back into the water.  It was quite an experience that we (and our beachfront neighbors) will likely not forget anytime soon.  In case of emergency situation #2, if you're keeping count.

I did see this vacation as a way to test my nerve, however.  I climbed into a kayak for the first time and went out alone beyond the surf.  It was blissful to be out on the water pushing my body and my mind to do something new.  Of course, that was before capsizing into water that was well above my head (Intro JAWS music).  I went back out on that kayak a few days later with a friend and got out to where the boys were dropping bait all week.  Although I couldn't get back to shore fast enough, I'm proud to say I managed not to panic and not to capsize me and my friend into "big fish" territory.  I watched my son stand up paddle board far out past where the water changes color when I realized he didn't have a life vest on.  And then I watched him skillfully come all the way back in.  While I realize these adventures might be small potatoes to most folks, they are huge obstacles for me and I will take them in stride.

Everyday since our vacation ended I have thought about the progress this one week has marked for me.  I have reflected on how many times I was able to silence that nagging voice that always ensues fear and panic.  But what may be even more remarkable is recalling everything we did and realizing how many times I didn't worry about things that usually trigger my anxiety.  While images of my family enjoying our time together and the experiences we were blessed with are certainly reasons to appreciate this trip, I think this is the reason why I keep thanking God each day for our family vacation.

Fear Can't Change Fate

On my way home from work the other day, I was detoured because of a very serious accident.  At that same time, I heard someone call into the radio station I was listening to asking for prayers for the woman and children that were being treated at the scene.  As I maneuvered through my alternate route, I could see the lights of the emergency response vehicles and the blades of the Life Flight helicopter on the overpass above me as I prayed.  My thoughts of that accident and those people stayed with me.  For me, these kinds of experiences feed anxiety.  I will almost always transfer these things onto my own life.  For example, if I had heard of a family that was affected by a house fire, then I would be preoccupied with thoughts of a fire in my house.  Were I told about a roller coaster going off track, the local amusement park would spark my hesitation and dread.  You see where this is going, don’t you?

These fears are completely ridiculous, I know.  Still, repeating that to myself this morning doesn’t really help me when I know our family will have to drive the kids in different directions for games today.  While serious panic attacks remain mostly at bay, I continue to battle overwhelming stress of fearful thoughts more regularly than I’d like to admit.

However, I am reminded of this:

God’s will is not something I can control or change.  Originally this would cause me panic itself.  I mean, if it is God’s will that someone will die today, nothing I do can deter that from happening, right?  But, looking at it from a more positive prospective is just as true, if it is not God’s will that someone will die today, nothing I do can change that either!  And, the bible is very specific in this truth – God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (2Timothy 1:7) – we were not created or intended to be fearful or anxious.  He has spoken His intentions over our lives and they were recorded in the bible long before we were born, and they do not include fear and anxiety.  Imagine planning to start a family and all the hopes and plans you have for your children.  Did you ever think, “Oh, I want to have a fearful and anxious little girl who trembles at her own thoughts?”  Well, our heavenly father didn’t either!

So, I will take refuge in the Father today and everyday because He wants me to live fully everyday and enjoy His countless blessings.  I hope you'll do the same.  :0)

On another note, earlier this week an old friend of mine lost his mother.  I was so inspired by his comments upon her passing:  memories of a happy childhood, reflections of a woman that made their family a home and verses from the bible.  It has been so uplifting to witness someone’s faith, even through their own grief.  Please play for my friend as he buries his mom today, that he and his family may be given strength, comfort and peace.

Truth Is, You Were Planned...

When my husband and I had our children, we made conscious efforts to bring other lives into our family.  It was with great anticipation and love that we prayed for and eventually had our children.  And even though many people don’t plan when they conceive, there are plenty of us that were created because of the love two people had for one another.

I was fortunate enough to attend a women’s retreat a few months ago where it was laid out and revealed to me the truths that were spoken over me (and each and every one of us) in the bible before we were ever conceived in the flesh.  It’s actually pretty amazing to see it listed and I did a little research to find them myself.  Here’s what God said about us:

We are…

His, His children, justified, redeemed, His friends, free, accepted, called, wise, righteous, new, loved, chosen, holy, forgiven, bold, complete, justified, the light of the world, powerful, loving, appointed, guaranteed, cleansed, whole, honored, wanted, enjoyed, gifted, pursued, anointed, equipped, irreplaceable, victorious, safe, secure, a channel, beloved, we have a family.

Isn’t that amazing??  I thank God for this revelation in my prayers every morning.  But honestly, I didn’t really get it until a few days ago and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and how much I wanted to share it with you.  See, it occurred to me that I felt many of these things in some degree or another for my own children before they were even conceived and while I was awaiting their arrival.  It makes perfect sense that our heavenly father would feel this about each one of us - but on a much bigger scale.  All of a sudden I thought about people I know who don’t always feel their worth.  I think about people who feel abandoned, people that don’t have earthly families, people that have lost their parents, people that have hurtful relationships, people that feel alone.  Oh wow, how we all need to hear this!  How we all need to know every single day that God (the best dad ever!) planned for us.  Planned for you, wanted you, longed for you, created you to be a part of his family, made a place for you!  And not just in the past tense, but in the present and future tense too.  Not only did he set up your nursery, but he set aside your college fund and inheritance!  He made a life for you, and while things aren’t always as we would have them – He set them up masterfully so that you would be in the best possible place to inherit the good stuff when it’s all said and done.  If, before we had our kids, I had the means to line up everything for them to end up in just the right place when the last sun sets – wouldn’t I do that?  To give them the experiences that they need and will make them good people, even if it isn’t always what they want or when they want it?  To set them up for success even if that means having to present them with obstacles I know they’ll make it through?  I would so do that.  It’s genius!

“Whatever your struggles or failures, those are not the truest things about you”.  I hope that if you didn’t know what His feelings for you were when you were written into His plan, you will take joy in knowing the truth now.

To The Test

This morning my third grader had a little apprehension leaving for school.  You see, this is her first time taking the STAAR test.  So much has been made about this test, it’s significance, what it says about the teacher, what it says about the student, what it means if you don’t do well.  If tests don’t already give you the heebie geebies, the importance placed on this one test would surely make your knees wobble a bit!  I understand the need to get a good night’s rest before a long test, to eat a plentiful breakfast before engaging your brain, to bring an extra pencil – those are all good habits to prepare for any big day.  My problem is when you turn the promotion of good habits into all-out fear mongering.  Yes, this test is important.  Yes, this test has consequences.  But, the need for our kids to do well shouldn’t rest on the 4 days a year when they sit down to several hours of standardized testing.  Growing up, I was told it was important to do my best on every assignment.   I made my best efforts to get an A on my math homework and my weekly spelling test just as much as I did to score well on music assignments and physical aptitude tests in P.E.!  When it came time to take state tests, my teachers emphasized that they were assessments of all of the material we had already mastered throughout the year.   There were no pep rallies planned to send us off, like we were going into battle.  We didn’t designate a portion of each class period to practice taking the test every day.  Fear was not a factor.

Dear Lord, as our kids head to school this week to be assessed, I hope for their reassurance.  I pray that each of them will walk to class with confidence in their ability and with faith in you God, that you will give them comfort and steady their nerves.  I pray they are rested and nourished, that their teachers and parents have done well in preparing them for the next school year and that this will be evident in their assessment this week.

Joshua 1:9 – Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Listen and Obey (04/01/14)

Oh my, His works are so wondrous!  I’m unfailingly amazed at the way He makes things happen.  I’ll share this story in hopes it will speak to you.

This Lenten season, I’ve been trying to focus on the sacrifice of Christ and what that means to me and my family.  I truly wanted to be renewed, which is really what Lent is all about.  So many times I have viewed Lent as a time of solace and suffering in order to earn my right to sit at the Lord’s table.  Oh, go on and laugh, I know how ridiculous that is – now.  I didn’t always get it though.  When you say sacrifice, you think of giving something up.  Taking away something you enjoy.  Doing without something you like.  It really gives such a direct message, doesn’t it?  Put away something pleasurable, endure a hardship, sacrifice. 

As a mom, I know a few things about sacrifice.  How many of us have opted out of exchanging Christmas gifts with our spouse so that we might make sure our kids get that special something they were hoping for?  I watched my parents do stuff for me and my brother all the time, while they sacrificed their own little niceties.  Only now, as a parent,  could I really understand how much joy it brings me to give to my kids – even if it means I do without.  I imagine God gives like that – out of love – taking joy in our joy.

So, back to Lent…  This Lent the message has hit me differently.  I have heard over and over stories from the bible where people did as they were asked and it changed them.  The Samaritan woman at the well who met Jesus and drew him water.  The lame man at the pool of Bethesda who picked up his mat and walked.  I’ve been encouraged this season to sacrifice my time, to act in faith and obedience, but to look at it all as a way of changing who I am – that I may become closer to Jesus.  That my relationship might be made more than what it is now, more than it has ever been.  Uh, yeah I want that!  My Lenten offering is to read the bible daily and to really reflect on what I read and share it in this blog as often as possible.   It’s harder than you might think to sit down and not get distracted while you meditate on the word.  I mean, it’s like a feast – you need to take proper time to sit at the table, be served a meal that will fill you up, eat every bite, enjoy visiting with your host and digest what you’ve just eaten.  This takes time.  I’m doing okay on the readings, not perfect, but the reflection is rougher and the blogging is just flat hard.  I’ve noticed the part about visiting with my host has become a luxury that I tend to rush through and the part about writing and sharing just gets left off altogether.  So this morning I told Him that I missed our visits and I asked Him to speak to me to give me a message to share.  In return He said, “read the book.  I will always speak to you there.”  Of course my day got hectic and I rushed right through without stopping to read the word.  Later in the afternoon, I felt a feeling of unease that I haven’t felt in several weeks.  I’ve been so grateful for the noticeable difference in my days and nights, but why was it creeping in now?  Sweaty, mind racing, anticipatory… I thought to redirect my focus and pray.  But I just couldn’t speak, when it crossed my mind to listen.  I pulled out my bible app and dug in.  The message was fitting and encouraged me to trudge through the difficult moments.   But, like the doting and loving Dad He is, He did me one better.  You see I was closing my phone when up popped a FB message from a friend I hadn’t seen or spoken to in quite some time.  Her message was about this blog!  A message of encouragement and support and she told me about her neighbor who was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks too.  She planned to share this blog with her neighbor. 

Oh Jesus!  That I might be able to help someone right now just by being faithful and doing what you ask.  I was instantly assured and renewed.  Yes, how you work amazes me every day.  Your love is the best love story, you never fail to surprise me and make me feel like a million bucks!

And for the neighbor or anyone else that feels like you’re lost at sea…  He walks on water!

Lead Me Not Into Temptation

First, I apologize for being a little absent.  I've been a little stuck lately, trying to put into words what is put on my heart by the Lord.  Honestly, it's been an internal struggle with how to make His message not offend some.  However, I admit, that's not for me to determine.  I was recently reminded by my brave friend Jonathan how being a member of God's family is not always well received nor is it an easy undertaking to stand by your man when that man is Adonai.  It further reinforced the message I was receiving and actually encouraged me to embrace the fears I had about sharing this message in particular.  Of course the Lord always provides and He didn't disappoint, providing me with the perfect parallel to His message yet again.  As always, I hope it speaks to your heart. Enjoy!

So it is that although we may each have a cross to bear, we also are given free will to make choices.  As you know, I have struggled with a tug of war between stress, anxiety and then guilt and depression that come from succumbing to that cycle.  For years, it has been quite a difficult journey where progress is sometimes measured by two steps forward and one step back.  However, recently I was blessed with God's undeniable word and His amazing mercy and grace to heal my wounds and to relieve me of my afflictions.  Now, let me explain.  This doesn't mean I will no longer have anxiety or panic attacks (something that took me a little by surprise and honestly caused me to question if I misunderstood His message).  I was given His word, absolute truth, as an instrument - a weapon, if you will - to wield against the enemy when he knocks on the door.  You see, like many things that people struggle with, my anxiety is a temptation.  Some people are tempted by alcohol and drugs, some by inappropriate or dangerous relationships, others by gambling or any of a host of other vices.  For me, it's a fondness for my worldly relationships, human mortality and need for reassurance.  While I am hopeful that at some point there won't be a knock at the door anymore at all, I have to accept that in order for that to happen, I'll have to work day and night to discourage the enemy.  I'll have to wear him down.  But the enemy is tricky, so I'll need to stay in top condition just in case he tries again.

You know how when a sales guy comes to your door trying to get you to buy a vacuum, you answer the door to let him down easy, tell him you're not interested in what he's selling?  But you still went to the door, you opened it, honestly he still has a chance of selling you on it.  Maybe you say, "oh I'll have to talk to my spouse about it" and he goes away.  But, he'll be back, he'll knock again.  And after coming by time after time with no one coming to the door he might finally give up.  Or, he may pop back up in a few months and catch you off guard.  He might even get invited in to do a demonstration - oh no!

We cannot allow ourselves to fall to temptation.  It's safer not to even answer the door, don't acknowledge the enemy, we don't need a demonstration!  (Matthew 4:1-11)

But don't worry, we need not work alone, the Lord is always in our corner, always has our back.  And although we may struggle with temptation, we have not been abandoned and we are not cast out on our rears.  He has promised us that through Jesus Christ we have been acquitted and justified.  (Romans 5:12-19)  As always, all we need to do is ask.  Go to Him in prayer with a thankful heart and tell Him how much you need His love and assistance.

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FYI, I watched a really good movie with my family last night.  For me and the things I struggle with, it was an especially touching message of how many ways we can look at each day and enjoy them.  Check it out if you'd like, About Time with Rachel McAdams (she's adorable).

And just because I think it relates and it is so beautiful:

Romans 5:1-11, Faith, Hope, and Love. 1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access [by faith] to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance,4 and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us. 6 For Christ, while we were still helpless, yet died at the appointed time for the ungodly.7 Indeed, only with difficulty does one die for a just person, though perhaps for a good person one might even find courage to die. 8 But God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. 9 How much more then, since we are now justified by his blood, will we be saved through him from the wrath. 10 Indeed, if, while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of his Son, how much more, once reconciled, will we be saved by his life. 11 Not only that, but we also boast of God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Scripture courtesy of www.usccb.org/bible

Shout It From The Rooftops!

Well, one of the things God asked me to do when I started this blog, was to be a testimony even though I might be knee-deep in the chaos. Even if I wasn't yet fixed up and mended.  I remember thinking that wouldn't be very persuasive to people that might read or follow along.  You see, my earthly mind only sees so much and my first reaction was, why would people come to Christ if I testified then?  How could I convince anyone if I was just a dirty hot mess?  His answer, as I've said before was as clear as a bell, 'How better to testify about belief and trust in Him, if not then'?  This wasn't the only time he urged me on, I had lots of reservations on how to move forward with my testimony and with my life in general.  You see, I suffered from severe and frequent anxiety and panic attacks and they made moving in any direction quite a challenge.  However I promised, as incapable as I am of making a perfect promise, that once He had declared me healed I would proclaim it for all to hear.  In fact I said I would shout it out and spread the word.  Yep, that's what I promised.

So then why is it when I went to a women's retreat a month ago and had such an amazing revelation that I didn't say a word?  Now, sure I didn't tell a web full of strangers about something so strikingly personal and intimate - okay. But, I didn't tell my nearest and dearest either. Not my mom, my kids, my family, my friends. Not even my best friend who sat next to me and held me to her side as I was sobbing uncontrollably with joy and elation, trying to process God's message to me! Until now, I didn't say a word. These weren't just family, just friends, these were people impacted by my illness, invested in my recovery. These were people that have been on this journey with me for years. Painful, wrentching years.  Even my husband waited for days before I mentioned what happened to me that day. Mentioned. Not a shout, but a mention. Curbed in a way that was hopeful, but not sure.  I told him about it in private, unable to claim it the way it was gifted to me.  It's like I didn't want to put it out there for  anyone to hold me to, you know in the event I misunderstood, in case I got it wrong.  I've noticed the difference too, everyday. The way I look at the triggers that used to turn me upside down has changed. The way my body reacts to different situations is different.  Still, I said nothing, I did nothing.

Oh, I am not ungrateful, in case you were wondering. I praised Him daily for the blessing,  and often.  Spent more quality time in worship even.  But it wasn't what I had promised, it wasn't the same as proclaiming His glory at the top of my lungs. It wasn't the same as bearing witness to His love.

Over the last couple of weeks I've heard direct reference to Matthew 5:14-16  You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father.  So, when I faltered the last two days and needed My Dad in heaven to remind me who I am, I recalled the promise I'd been too afraid to keep. And while my healing does require my dependence on Him always, my trust in Him always and that does mean I can falter, His truth is perfect and unfailing always. So when He reminds me the name He has written on my heart with His own hands, I can rely fully on that truth without a doubt.  And you know what? It's like that saying, God don't make no junk, He didn't make me to be afraid, to worry to fear things of this world and that's not how He named me or how He sees me.

The Father has healed this imperfect child of His.  He has given me authority over my enemy and will never leave my side. He did this out of love for me and I will lift my voice to praise Him and return that love the best that I can. I will not be perfect, but He already knows that and has chosen to love me anyway.

Dream Chaser

Sleep really is a blessing.  When you have a family, work and other responsibilities each day, getting enough sleep is not just about the luxury of staying snuggled up in your bed on a cold morning.  Getting a good night’s rest is about your health.  Studies show that lack of sleep can result in impaired judgement, los s of sex drive, aging skin, heart disease, diabetes as well as a host of other health woes.  Moreover, these and other effects of inadequate sleep can affect your ability to be at your best in anything you do.  So, when I have trouble sleeping twice in one week, I start to ask myself about the reason for waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep.

Over the years I’ve noted dreams being one culprit for waking me at odd hours in the night.  A few years ago and even more recently I’ve come across some folks that firmly believe in dream interpretation.  As someone that suffered from anxiety (and quite frankly, an active imagination), using those tools to try and explain my dreams put me in a tough spot.  You see, the dreams and their interpretations weren’t always in line with God’s word.  In a way, dream interpretation incited new fears in me and even led me to follow those fears to even darker and more unstable places.  What’s worse is it led me away from God, led me to trusting in myself and outside resources, when what I should have done was consulted Him from the start.  You see, there is no perfect truth outside of God’s word.  That’s it, it’s that simple.  (Jeremiah 23:9-28)

Right now I’m working on just five hours of sleep, a little headache and an empty stomach.  My first intuition this morning was to access what ails me and self-diagnose what they could mean, but decided to talk to my Dad in heaven first.  (He’s the best counselor and there’s never a wait!)  His word really is all the nourishment I needed.  In fact, maybe I’ll take a nap this afternoon – just for luxury!

Moving Beyond Comfortable

Ever notice how when you start to exercise your body rebels?  The soreness of your muscles may gently urge you to ‘skip a day’ or ‘do less.’  Or, if you’re anything like me, your body may scream ‘you shouldn’t do this,’ stay on the couch,’ or ‘you should eat a chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes!’  Okay, so maybe my stomach and my muscles are in cahoots.  Either way, sometimes when we break a bad habit or a bad relationship we are leaving something we’re used to and that we have grown comfortable doing (or not doing).  And while we may see that staying in the old routine is not good for us, moving on can be scary and seem worse than staying put.

I can recall being in a relationship that was unquestionably bad for me.  What happily started as a pair of people with common interests had turned into a game of deceit and manipulation.  Suddenly I was in a relationship where not only was I being treated poorly, but I was learning not to trust and to treat others poorly too!  It was a change I could feel and one that others around me could see.  But, what about perseverance?  Shouldn’t I ride it out and try change the direction of things?  I could even reference the bible, James 1:12, and standing steadfast in trials.  Sometimes we use this to rationalize staying in something that is comfortable, albeit unhealthy for us.  You see, while we can and should stick with things, even when they get tough and we can pray for someone’s heart to change – we don’t change hearts.

Think about this:  When you meet someone and you decide for whatever reason that you don’t wish to have a relationship with them, that you don’t like them in a certain way… nothing they do can change how you feel about them.  Only when you decide to look at them in a different way or to consider them differently, can your thoughts of them change.  So, it’s not up to us to change someone else’s heart, but rather it is only our own hearts that we can ask to reconsider how we feel about others.

So, while moving on from an old routine or a comfortable relationship, trust the Lord (Proverbs 3:5-6).  For me, it’s about doing what is best for me and my family.  For several years we stood firm in order to show our children the lessons of honoring your commitments and overcoming adversity.  Although we may have entered into a relationship years ago that was happy and even enjoyable, it changed to something that was negative and detrimental to our wellbeing.  While choosing to end that relationship was painful for all of us, we were guided to that decision by the one who matters most, and in the end I take more comfort in Him than any old routine.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Forget the former things, don’t dwell on the past.  See!  I am doing a new thing.  Now it springs up.  Don’t you feel it?  I am making a way in.