Pray Expectantly

The holidays are among us.  I love everything about the holidays: the weather, the baking, the decorating, the music, the shopping and yes, even the crowds.  Hosting my family for Thanksgiving is stressful, but preparing a feast and a comfortable space for them brings me so much joy.  Knowing we will spend the whole day together visiting and enjoying each other’s company is something I look forward to every year.

My husband works in the mortgage industry.  Several years ago he was working for a company that closed its doors, and then another.  For a few years we crossed our fingers as one company after another succumbed to a faltering housing market.  We could usually get through about 9 ½ months with only an occasional scrape or bruise (meaning we had to figure out how to make $87.32 last 14 days for a family of four).  But it always seemed like just before the holidays, something extra would come up to make things just a bit more difficult to overcome.  Maybe a busted tire, a hospital visit or another office closure just before Thanksgiving would set the whole rest of the year into a tailspin.  And while we would recover, sometimes it took months.  By March, we were back to getting by on our shoestring budget.  When the kids were younger, it was easy to keep them from noticing how we stretched a dime.  And we could forego anniversary and Christmas gifts to each other, but it was all exhausting and I wondered if we would ever make it out of the cycle we seemed to be stuck in indefinitely.  I prayed.  Mostly as a last resort, but I did ask God to swoop in and help us out and somehow He would get us through.

Earlier this week we found out something extra had come up and it would affect our holidays.  I was so angry.  Quickly I flipped a switch – feeling trapped and somewhat betrayed.  Here we were working so hard to provide for our family and then out of the blue something was going to drive us off course.  And then I remembered something… prayer shouldn’t be a last resort.  While I’ve been very consistent about praying expectantly for family, friends, health, relationships and safety – I realized my prayers for our finances were a little different.  It came to my attention that I’d been praying expectantly for everything that I thought was out of my control.  For the things that I felt like I could control, I was only praying for backup.  Oh My Gosh!  Really?  Everything I know about God is that He wants me to be entirely dependent on Him.  I should be mindful of how He has never failed me, how He has always provided, even in ways that I couldn’t foresee.

So I did send up my prayers.  The next morning I took special care to thank God for all that He has provided for us, for never leaving our side.  And I asked Him to see us through this.  That evening my husband came home with some good news.  He had won a contest at work that meant a bonus.  My heart was immediately overwhelmed.  We love such a merciful and wonderful God.

Aftershocks

 Two weeks ago I had anxiety attack.  Now it wasn’t an 8 on the Richter Scale or anything, but it was definitely enough to rattle my walls.  Since then I’ve experienced several ‘aftershocks’.  One of the worst things about my particular brand of this disorder is that I become hypersensitive.  In particular, my heightened awareness and sensitivity goes beyond physical anomalies occurring inside my body – like small headaches, body aches, the progression of my digestion, clicks and pops of my joints, tiny nerve or muscle spasms.  Yes, I begin to notice everything around me too – my messy room, a dirty glass on the table, a late appointment, forgotten to-do list, a blouse that won’t button, the inflection in someone’s voice,   sighs, expressions – I could go on here for days, but you get the idea.  Of course I don’t just notice - I then become grossly irritable, agitated, and then just mean.  There is no intended victim of my offenses, just anyone that happens to be in the immediate line of fire.

No, this is not my proudest moment.  No, there is not an excuse.  No, there is no “but” coming.

My family has become accustomed to this shameful routine, as they are almost always the casualties of my short fuse and sharp tongue.  I see it in their body language, how they approach me, how they often wave the white flag and even how they argue with me – and now how they argue with each other.  I can see what the last 8 years has done to them, how it has affected who they are, how they approach their own challenges and how they receive their own joy and happiness.  Wow.  As I look over and watch them sleep this morning I could really kick myself for how unpleasant this has been on them.  I could sit here and cry all morning about how unfair it is that they have been so affected by my mess.  If bandits tied me to a train track, what kind of mom would say, “oh yeah, can you grab my husband and my kids and tie them up next to me”?  Duh!  That wouldn’t happen.  So, how have I allowed this dark cloud to damage these beautiful people I love so dearly?  More importantly, how have I allowed myself to participate in that hurt?

 

I really have tried to keep them separate from my disorder, but surely I can do a better job of this.  I know the healing is coming, it’s here, but it is not complete.  Perhaps quakes or aftershocks will happen again but I pray for some restraint in lashing out on the people around me.  In 1 Corinthians, chapter 13 the bible says:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.

God has told us that the greatest gift is love, that we can do all things through Christ whom he gave us because he loved us so much.  So, I pray not just for restraint but for love to win out over fear.