My struggle with anxiety and panic attacks is real. As I get further along my road to complete recovery I stumble upon things that seem to propel me foward and sometimes things that seem to set me back. One of the things I think it's most important to keep in mind is that it is all on my way to healing, recovery and restoration.
This week I stayed home on Monday because I wasn't feeling well. When I got to work on Tuesday, I learned that a relatively young man in the adjoining office building had passed away in his office on Friday afternoon. I did not know him, so much so that I didn't recognize his name and I couldn't really tell you what he looked like. In fact, since I wasn't even there on Friday or Monday, I was fairly well removed from the entire situation altogether. My initial observation was that I seemed to be at a safe distance from this experience and it might be a good opportunity for me to 'walk' close to a potentially fear-inducing circumstance and test out some of my healing and recovery. I saw my absence on those 2 days as a blessing and thought I might really be able to measure my recovery in a real-world situation. As details and information swirled at our offices throughout the week, it became evident that not only did my distance not seem to be a factor, but that I was not skipping along down the path of recovery as far as I would have guessed. Reality check.
However, I have been determined to stay fixed on my Heavenly Father and to try and put my perspective of this experience into perspective when it comes to the whole of my healing. Here's what I mean: Although, the details that were shared with me this week have elevated my anxiety and stress levels quite substantially - I've learned some valuable lessons that I believe will help me in the future. Also, I've noticed that over the last few weeks, I am in a unique position to share what I have learned over the last 8+ years to help others. Honestly, I believe that is part of the purpose of this whole journey I've been on and that has been a tremendous help and propelled me forward in huge ways. (Glad for that).
So, what did I learn?
1. I'm a compassionate person, so I often want to empathize with people - not just to offer sympathy. This is not always necessary and I should not feel compelled to empathize in every situation. Perhaps this is why Hallmark doesn't sell empathy cards. Empathy is not "better" than sympathy, it's just a different emotion reserved for someone who can relate. I don't have to try and put on someone else's shoes in a show of solidarity, instead I need to remember that to offer love and support for someone is enough.
2. I have learned to recognize those things that trigger my anxiety and panic in most cases and I should not be hesitant to stop someone mid-sentence when I see a trigger on the horizon. It's my mind and my body and I'm responsible for protecting it. If someone thinks I'm weird or rude well, it's worth it to me to stay healthy for me and my family.
3. When I falter, when I shake and God help me when I fail, my Heavenly Father does not. Not only will He keep a hold of me, but He will let me know that I am covered by His love above all things. I am His and that always has been and always will be true. This allows me to pick myself up, dust myself off and give a big smile and a wave as I continue on.
I pray that I will keep learning and I hope you will pray that for me too. My family and friends have been such an amazing discovery through this whole process and I'm amazed by how God can send you exactly what you need even when it's someone or something that has been right beside you all along. I want to recognize a few people (certainly not all of them) that have been a source of strength and inspiration for me this month:
Joe, who is always willing to be my sounding board. Kami, who loves so big and is my little partner. Jay, who teaches me something new every day. Staci, for always thinking of me when it's time to soak. Diane for showing me faith above fear. And Mary, for trusting me with your stuff and for listening, listening, listening to mine. ;-)
