Dream Chaser

Sleep really is a blessing.  When you have a family, work and other responsibilities each day, getting enough sleep is not just about the luxury of staying snuggled up in your bed on a cold morning.  Getting a good night’s rest is about your health.  Studies show that lack of sleep can result in impaired judgement, los s of sex drive, aging skin, heart disease, diabetes as well as a host of other health woes.  Moreover, these and other effects of inadequate sleep can affect your ability to be at your best in anything you do.  So, when I have trouble sleeping twice in one week, I start to ask myself about the reason for waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep.

Over the years I’ve noted dreams being one culprit for waking me at odd hours in the night.  A few years ago and even more recently I’ve come across some folks that firmly believe in dream interpretation.  As someone that suffered from anxiety (and quite frankly, an active imagination), using those tools to try and explain my dreams put me in a tough spot.  You see, the dreams and their interpretations weren’t always in line with God’s word.  In a way, dream interpretation incited new fears in me and even led me to follow those fears to even darker and more unstable places.  What’s worse is it led me away from God, led me to trusting in myself and outside resources, when what I should have done was consulted Him from the start.  You see, there is no perfect truth outside of God’s word.  That’s it, it’s that simple.  (Jeremiah 23:9-28)

Right now I’m working on just five hours of sleep, a little headache and an empty stomach.  My first intuition this morning was to access what ails me and self-diagnose what they could mean, but decided to talk to my Dad in heaven first.  (He’s the best counselor and there’s never a wait!)  His word really is all the nourishment I needed.  In fact, maybe I’ll take a nap this afternoon – just for luxury!

Moving Beyond Comfortable

Ever notice how when you start to exercise your body rebels?  The soreness of your muscles may gently urge you to ‘skip a day’ or ‘do less.’  Or, if you’re anything like me, your body may scream ‘you shouldn’t do this,’ stay on the couch,’ or ‘you should eat a chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes!’  Okay, so maybe my stomach and my muscles are in cahoots.  Either way, sometimes when we break a bad habit or a bad relationship we are leaving something we’re used to and that we have grown comfortable doing (or not doing).  And while we may see that staying in the old routine is not good for us, moving on can be scary and seem worse than staying put.

I can recall being in a relationship that was unquestionably bad for me.  What happily started as a pair of people with common interests had turned into a game of deceit and manipulation.  Suddenly I was in a relationship where not only was I being treated poorly, but I was learning not to trust and to treat others poorly too!  It was a change I could feel and one that others around me could see.  But, what about perseverance?  Shouldn’t I ride it out and try change the direction of things?  I could even reference the bible, James 1:12, and standing steadfast in trials.  Sometimes we use this to rationalize staying in something that is comfortable, albeit unhealthy for us.  You see, while we can and should stick with things, even when they get tough and we can pray for someone’s heart to change – we don’t change hearts.

Think about this:  When you meet someone and you decide for whatever reason that you don’t wish to have a relationship with them, that you don’t like them in a certain way… nothing they do can change how you feel about them.  Only when you decide to look at them in a different way or to consider them differently, can your thoughts of them change.  So, it’s not up to us to change someone else’s heart, but rather it is only our own hearts that we can ask to reconsider how we feel about others.

So, while moving on from an old routine or a comfortable relationship, trust the Lord (Proverbs 3:5-6).  For me, it’s about doing what is best for me and my family.  For several years we stood firm in order to show our children the lessons of honoring your commitments and overcoming adversity.  Although we may have entered into a relationship years ago that was happy and even enjoyable, it changed to something that was negative and detrimental to our wellbeing.  While choosing to end that relationship was painful for all of us, we were guided to that decision by the one who matters most, and in the end I take more comfort in Him than any old routine.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Forget the former things, don’t dwell on the past.  See!  I am doing a new thing.  Now it springs up.  Don’t you feel it?  I am making a way in.

Francesca Battistelli - Write Your Story (Air1 Radio)

I went to a women's retreat a couple of weeks ago and this song so reminds me of something I took away from the time spent 'soaking' in God's presence.  You see, only God can write something on your heart.  Anything else very well could be the enemy trying to whisper lies into and over your life.  When you are feeling down, it may be a good time to ask God, "How do You see me?  What truth have You written on my heart?"  Then re-calibrate your thinking and move forward knowing who God says you are is true.

Trust Him? Trust Him!

I’ve been waiting desperately for inspiration and time to put together the words on this page.  So, instead of wasting any more time, I’ll share with you a story about something that happened a few months ago because it is a great story and an even better example of what it is to “trust God.”

Last fall I was feeling the pressure of my anxiety and really asking myself ‘am I trusting God fully?’  I talked to a few people about what it is to trust Him.  I meditated over stories of women who had really ‘turned it all over to God’ in their time of distress and how He miraculously gave them peace over their fears and troubles.  So what was I not doing right?  What was holding me back?  I sought scripture, talked with family and friends and even checked with Google!  And while the devotionals were touching and inspiring and explained exactly what trusting God looked like, nothing could explain to me how to get there myself.  Then God enlisted my daughter to lay it out for me.

We had gone to the ballpark to watch my son, Jay, play baseball.  We were there for a good part of the day and Kami does what any self-respecting girl does when she gets bored, eat.  For several hours she tried to negotiate the purchase of some sugary frozen lemonade treat.  She even offered to use her own money to help offset our cost.  (Now, if you know anything about little kids, their source of income is coins on the sidewalk, bills forgotten in a jacket pocket and even stray coins from the floorboard of the car.  So, this little stash of money was hard won and precious to her.)  Still, I just couldn’t see spending 3X what it would cost to buy it on the way home, so we promised her we’d stop for a more affordable yet comparable item when we left the park.  In typical fashion, by the time we dodged raindrops and loaded up, Joe and I had forgotten all about our promise and ended up home with no frozen treat.  Luckily she fell asleep quickly and so the rain wasn’t all we dodged that day.  The next morning we prepared to go back to the park when she walked into my room and announced that she did not forget our promise, she would be purchasing her frozen whatever it was today and further she demanded her money.  It was at this moment that I got a stroke of, well, genius really.  Immediately I knew this was a lesson, not just for Kami but more a lesson for me!  I was pretty pleased with myself for spotting God’s ability to use my parenting as a parallel for His.

I told Kami I’d pulled the money out of her pocket the night before when we got her into bed and I brought it to her.  Now, like I said, this was a mix of coins and more coins she’d assembled from who knows where, but hardly enough to pay for even half of her desired treat.  So I offered her a deal:  she could have her money back and I wouldn’t pay for any of the frozen lemonade OR she could let me keep the money and she may or may not get the goody today, she would just have to trust me.  I told her it was entirely up to her, there was no wrong answer, I wouldn’t be mad or upset no matter what she decided.  (Of course, secretly I knew that I would be disappointed if she opted not to trust me.  I mean, sure, I don’t always follow through, I forget things, but all in all I’m her mom, her biggest fan – why wouldn’t she trust me, right?)  She gave it some thought and opted to trust her dear ol’ mom.  Yay, right?  Well after getting loaded up and on our way we noticed she was stressing in the back seat.  After a little probing she came clean, she wanted her money – but didn’t exactly.  You see, the next thing she said is where my experiment got kicked up a notch and hit me in the gut:  “Mom, I want to trust you, it’s just hard”.  WOW.  The courage it took her to say that outmatched my own and that’s when God really showed me where this lesson was going.  See, I understood where she was coming from all to well.  As the parent, I knew what plans I had for Kami that day, how I would buy her the frozen treat and probably even give her money back too.  Not only would I provide what she asked for, but even more than that when she least expected it.  I even anticipated her face lighting up with glee and how cool of a mom she would think I was for the surprise.  Immediately I made the connection to what God must see in me, His daughter.

God’s word declares His plans for us, plans for prosperity, not for harm, plans for hope and a future.  And while we believe this to be true, it isn’t always easy to trust completely.  But what He is after is our love for Him.  He delights in the moments when he pulls out the stops and gives us more than we asked for, more than what we could have expected and in ways that we couldn’t have imagined.  Oh, the love He must have for us that He would treat us as we treat our own children, except more perfectly – most perfectly.

Owl City - In Christ Alone - WITH LYRICS!

Only He Can Change My Circumstances

When God asked me to share my testimony, I was so excited.  I remember sharing the news with my husband through tears of utter joy.  At that moment and the several it took for me to finally accept God’s will, I was filled with emotions of gratitude and relief.  Grateful that He had spoken to me and that He had asked me to be a vessel for any of His works.  Relief that I had a purpose, a reason for the pain I was going through.  While He specifically said I needed to testify while I was “knee-deep in it,” I think I somehow interpreted that to mean that if I accepted his challenge I would be instantly cured.  Uh, no.  Let me just say, maybe I should have read more closely to see there was NO fine print saying any such thing before signing on the dotted line.  Well, truth told, I would have said yes anyway.

Take yesterday.  I woke up so eager for my time to spend alone with Him where He would speak to my heart and advise me of what should end up on this page.  I wondered how it is that sometimes you get an epiphany, everything suddenly becomes so clear and you feel like you can ride that wave all the way to the rest of your wonderful life only to find yourself in desperate need of another massive moment of clarity just weeks later to pull you from a pit of despair.  What I got from that was this:  Say I cut my arm on the fence at the park.  It bleeds.  I clean it up and put on a bandage.  The next morning I take it off, it has stopped bleeding and there is a scab.  Just because you get a scab on a cut doesn’t mean it’s all healed up.  If I pull off that scab it may bleed again or get infected, because the healing has to happen deeper.  The things that trouble our souls are a lot like that and healing it may take longer than what we want or what we can see, but it’s better to experience all the layers of healing, less we end up with a scar.

By lunchtime I’d run across a message I wanted to look into further.  The message was about the convergence of several aspects of living God’s word.  It was 3 parts – hearing God’s words for you, understanding the truth of those words and acting on those words.  How any of them without the others doesn’t quite do it.  Sounds pleasant, huh?  Well, the part about the truth actually says “brutal honesty” and let me just tell you – it was brutal.  Here’s what I got:  No matter what I do, or how hard I work to spread God’s message and His love with other people, it doesn’t earn me any points, any favor or special exemption from whatever His plans are for my life on earth.  WHAT??  That’s right, it doesn’t mean I’ll be spared from disease, pain, sorrow, poverty or death. (UGH, I hate that word the most. It’s my trigger.  Just typing it here is like pulling my body across a bed of hot coals and broken glass.)  Oh, and He wasted no time setting me straight - this work He’s called me to do will not result in my salvation from those things that terrify me, nor will they free me from even just the fear of those things.  Rats!  There’s nothing I can do to change my circumstances??  So, what am I doing this for?  I must have passed 30 people in the Target as I fought back tears (not very well) and resisted the urge to ask them why they weren’t afraid like me?  Didn’t they know?  Had it not hit them that there’s nothing they can do about the inevitable?  I didn’t want to argue or be ungrateful, but still I reasoned - if I can’t save myself, save my own sanity then why-  And then it hit me like a giant bonk on the head with a nerf-like mallet.  I’d been asking, begging really, ‘What am I supposed to do?  What can I do?  What do you need me to do?’  His answer - it’s never been about me.  Only God can save me, only He can comfort me, only Him.  There is nothing I can do to change my circumstances.  But, I can pray to ask God to change them.  (I felt Him smile, “now you’re getting it.”)  I went on through the drive through for a quick bite across the street.  I greeted the attendant cheerfully with a smile and pleasant chit chat, not because I felt cheerful, but because that’s what I do.  And I thought to myself, ‘Why be nice then? Why follow rules then? Why do good deeds then?’  And for me, the answer is simple – because that’s who I’d like to be.  Not because it earns me any points, not because it will come back to me, not because I want anyone to think I’m so nice – just because why not?  You see, God is my Dad in heaven.  There’s nothing my kids could do to make me love them more.  If my daughter Kami gives me a hug tonight when I get in the door, I won’t love her more than I do right this second.  She doesn’t do it for something in return or to earn my love and admiration, she just does it because she wants to make me feel amazing (and it does).  So, I’ll do what my Dad in heaven asks just because I want Him to feel amazing – and He is.

Thank God! No really, thank Him right now.

Well, this has taken me quite long enough.  Perhaps I can blame not blogging sooner on my resistance to conform to all things popular when it comes to technology.  I mean, I don't punish myself by not enjoying technology or anything trendy for that matter - I just tend to opt for roads less traveled.  While I like to say it's me being unique or at least a little different, I think it's probably my habit of doing things the hard way.  Oh well, in any event I've arrived at the day where I kick off my first blog!  (Oddly, there's no confetti or trumpets to mark the occasion... hmmm.)

I'm not really sure what a 'start up' blog looks like, so I'll begin with telling you about me and that's how I'll get back to the title of this blog and of this post, I promise.  My name is Jessica.  I'm a wife and mother of two great kids.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD and GAD and have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for over 6 years.  If you know anything about anxiety, you know that it affects many people at various levels of intensity that can range from a fairly mild feeling of stress to a full-on attack that might feel like you will certainly die at any given second.  Now, I know the words "I feel like I'm about to die" are over used and often very melodramatic.  However, when you suffer from GAD you really might feel like you are dying.  It's some weird physiological something or other that basically goes like this:  A trigger sets off some fears in the brain, causing you to be hyper-sensitive to natural physical reactions your body has to fear (increased heart rate, sweating and nausea among others), then you fear those reactions as life-threatening and the cycle can keep going for minutes or hours.  For me, it's usually followed by feelings of guilt and frustration that can last days.  Not fun.

So, like I said, whatever the trigger it's mental.  How I process that trigger kicks off the whole thing.  Even the physical reactions my body has are processed by my mind... so in a way, it's all in my head!  (laughs) Which is why I choose to poke fun of my anxiety disorder.  I've always joked with my friends and family, "okay, no crazy jokes."

I've tried the meds (and I didn't like them and avoid them when I can now), tried therapy (which I recommend), meditation (awesome), a 14-week recovery program (I love and will plug often) but the most important tool in my recovery from this disorder is faith in God and His promises.

While I cannot and will not quote you scripture from memory, I can tell you that God has been a very important element in my recovery from anxiety and panic attacks.  Actually, He is THE most important element.  He led me to the other tools that I use now and he guides me on a daily path to freedom from my fear and anxiety.  When I'm so shook up I must cling to a door frame for an hour, when I cannot get to sleep without crying into the shoulder of my sleep deprived husband or when I just zombie through a day with a feeling of fear hanging around like a bad haircut - He is my go-to.  Always.  It's not always pleasant.  I'm not healed.  But on more than one occasion, God has directly told me to share my story even if I'm still standing knee-deep in it.  So this is my testimony, no matter what it is I am going through, no matter what it is that YOU are going through, to bring those troubles to God.  Praise His mercy.  Take the time to find as many blessings as you can and thank Him for them every single day.  Open your bible (or your bible app) and hear Him speak His promises over your life. So, although I falter, I experience moments of weakness in my faith, I question my role in the big picture - and I do these often - I'm always grateful to God.  I always know He's got my back.  There will be days when I ache, when I hurt physically, when all I can say to my family and God is I'm sorry for not being stronger, better.  There will be days when I'm freakin' scared of nothing in particular.  And then there will be mornings, like this one when I finally do what God asks me to do - act because He says so.  Mornings like this one when I am feeling healthy, looking forward to the joys of the day and thankful!Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns