I'm All In

So, I’ve been off the radar for the past few months ‘working’ on a project.  And I have news to share.

One weekend in May, I was in my morning prayer when God asked me quite specifically to leave my job and come home to work for him.  I’d been contemplating a task he’d put on my heart for some time, “Just Write” he said.  For months I’d been trying to write something substantial, something worthy.  “Just Write” he would say.  So there I was fitting it into my week, squeezing in a little time here and there to put pen to paper when I could.  After feeling like I was getting nowhere, I began to question exactly what it was I was being called to do – had I misunderstood?  After all I’m just a girl, perhaps I got it wrong.  So that morning in prayer, after months of silence, God spoke to me loud and clear.  He said, you should write that.  [That being a screenplay or something to be used for a motion picture].  I’d never done that before, I didn’t – correction, don’t know the first thing about writing something like that.  Well, the conversation began and here’s how it went:

            Me:  Well, that sounds awesome, but I haven’t a clue how to go about that.

            Him:  I know, but I’ve equipped you with the tools to carry this out.

            Me:  Okay then, that’s what I’ll do!  So, since I’ve been dealing with PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks that’s probably what I should write about.  Oh, I bet that will help so many people – I’m so excited.

            Him:  Yes, that will be a project for you to work on later.  Right now I want you to work on something about taking a leap of faith.  The Leap.

            Me:  The Leap?  That’s a great title.  Well, I do love that subject.  This is fantastic!  Thank you for the direction, I needed this.  I’ll make time after work to work on this project, as often as I can.

            Him:  Why not every day?

            Me:  Okay, then I’ll make time to work on it after work every day.

            Him:  Why not make THIS your full-time job?

            Me:  Okay, but how will we pay our bills – how will I make what we need to pay the bills?

            Him: Don’t worry about that, I’ll provide for all that you need.

            Me:  Are you sure I can get this done?  I’ve never done anything like this.  I’m not sure I’m creative enough or smart enough.  I’m not sure I’m enough of anything, really.

            Him:  I have made you enough.

So, after a good cry (all extremely grateful and happy tears) I called Joe in to tell him the news.  We’d already been living paycheck to paycheck with my salary, so the idea of dropping to one income was beyond what any math could calculate to cover our cost of living.  But, my husband was immediately on board.  He said, “the Lord has never failed us before, so if he says he’s got us covered I’m sure he does.”  We shared the news with our very supportive children and family.

The next week I gave my two weeks notice at work.  In the weeks that followed I told different people, co-workers, family and friends about my new project.  I assumed it would be a challenge to tell people about it without sounding flighty and a little nuts, so I preemptively tempered how I would tell people.  But not one person ever questioned.  Each person I told was supportive and enthusiastic.  Perhaps God was already providing me an atmosphere of encouragement and support.  Yay!  This was starting out great.

I came home and spent the entire summer with my kids – it was a bonus I hadn’t given enough credit.  I created a routine for getting the house in order, started an exercise regimen and made changes to our household budget to help us get by with less.  I worked on some plot and character development and looked into tools for creating a screenplay.  Then I stalled.  I prayed for direction and creativity.  I started to think perhaps I was going in the wrong direction.  Maybe I should be writing a book.  Begin again.  Stall again.  Pray again.  Maybe I should be working on an app.  Begin again.  Stall again.  Pray again.  When people ask what I do for a living, be vague.  When people ask how the writing is going, give a creative answer without actually giving an answer, be vague.  People will think you have failed.  They will think you’re flighty – all over the place.  They’ll think, God didn’t say anything to you – you just screwed up – you’re a mess.

Adding insult to injury, the car’s compressor goes, then the other’s tires go out, then the car a/c goes out (it’s summer in Houston people) and now the freezer just died.  With finances getting more strained I was becoming more and more distracted and my creative well was running low.  I began to think the best thing for my family would be me finding a job and going back to work.  I obviously was not getting this project going fast enough, and we would run out of resources before I could possibly be of any help financially.  How am I supposed to provide for my family like this?

And then He answered – I’m not.  I’m supposed to “Just Write” and HE will provide for all of our needs.  That’s what God said at the start and that has not changed (and it will not change).  I just need to renew my trust in Him.  It’s not about how fast I get it done, or the speed at which progress happens.  There should be no re-thinking our conversation.  He WAS specific.  He doesn’t make mistakes or choose wrong words.  He made sure I heard and understood each and every word perfectly.  There should be no second-guessing.  If I trust Him fully to provide the tools, the creativity, the financial and loving care for me and my family these distractions will have no impact.  Fear and doubt will fall away and I can get back to the task at hand.  Vague answers be damned.

I was asked by God to leave my job, come home and write The Leap, a story about what it is to take a leap of faith.  This story will one day be a motion picture and it will touch and encourage many.  I have no idea how I will do this, but God has assured me He has it figured out, so I’m all in.

Do you feel distracted?  Is the enemy throwing things at you to keep you from trusting God, to keep you in doubt, to keep you from doing what God has called you to do?  Remember Abram (Genesis 15) and the covenant God cut for him; The covenant he cut for us.  Be encouraged.

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