LOVE

My heart has been called to speak.  The past few days I’ve struggled with how to best articulate my thoughts on the issue of marriage in a thoughtful and respectful way.  Not to condemn or to judge, but to proclaim and rejoice.  So, after prayer God has given me counsel:  *[Jesus] has given me reason to abandon the easy path for a more perfect mission of love.

But I walk in integrity; redeem me and have mercy on me.  My foot stands on level ground; in the assemblies I will bless the Lord.  Psalm 26:11-12

It is my belief that marriage is a holy sacrament meant to join one man and one woman.  (Now, hold on and hear me out, please).

The idea that two people that love and care about each other and have chosen to spend their lives together and raise a family together is an admirable one to me.   I know the difficulties couples face on a daily basis and I know adding challenges of any kind only increases the hard work that goes into keeping a couple and/or a family secure.  I appreciate any couple that makes the effort it takes to be faithful, to work through hardships and to provide a loving home to a child.  I think it is fair that those couples be subject to the same benefits in insurance, taxes and such.  However, this doesn’t change my belief that the sacrament of marriage is a covenant established by God for joining together a man and a woman.

Over the last few days I’ve seen so many statements for and against the Supreme Court ruling on marriage.  It really does hurt my heart to see what division this has caused among people in our country.  I don’t think that standing up in favor of the ruling makes you a “demon” any more than speaking out in opposition makes you a “bigot.”  The word “hate” has been used so much it makes my eyes hurt.

Tolerance.  The dictionary defines tolerance as the ability or willingness to tolerate something , in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.  But I feel like we would be remissed to leave out that tolerance is a two way street.  And, tolerance doesn’t mean condone.  I’ve seen a lot of condemning those that don’t approve or sanction one’s beliefs or feelings.  In either direction, that’s not right and it’s not showing love on any level.

I sincerely believe that love never fails and I hope – and am confident – it will win here and now.  Not necessarily what each of us believes love should look like, because those things are clearly so different.  But what God says love IS. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.   It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  1Corinthians 13:4-7

For all my brothers and sisters with worry over this time in our world, those feeling unaccepted and judged – no matter which perspective you are looking from, I ask you to increase your faith and I offer you this:

He replied, “you of little faith, why are you so afraid?”  Then he got up and rebuked the wind and the waves and it was completely calm.  Matthew 8:26

*RegnumChristi.org, June 30, 2015

Better Than I Thought

My struggle with anxiety and panic attacks is real.  As I get further along my road to complete recovery I stumble upon things that seem to propel me foward and sometimes things that seem to set me back.  One of the things I think it's most important to keep in mind is that it is all on my way to healing, recovery and restoration.

This week I stayed home on Monday because I wasn't feeling well.  When I got to work on Tuesday, I learned that a relatively young man in the adjoining office building had passed away in his office on Friday afternoon.  I did not know him, so much so that I didn't recognize his name and I couldn't really tell you what he looked like.  In fact, since I wasn't even there on Friday or Monday, I was fairly well removed from the entire situation altogether.  My initial observation was that I seemed to be at a safe distance from this experience and it might be a good opportunity for me to 'walk' close to a potentially fear-inducing circumstance and test out some of my healing and recovery.  I saw my absence on those 2 days as a blessing and thought I might really be able to measure my recovery in a real-world situation.  As details and information swirled at our offices throughout the week, it became evident that not only did my distance not seem to be a factor, but that I was not skipping along down the path of recovery as far as I would have guessed.  Reality check.

However, I have been determined to stay fixed on my Heavenly Father and to try and put my perspective of this experience into perspective when it comes to the whole of my healing.  Here's what I mean:  Although, the details that were shared with me this week have elevated my anxiety and stress levels quite substantially - I've learned some valuable lessons that I believe will help me in the future.  Also, I've noticed that over the last few weeks, I am in a unique position to share what I have learned over the last 8+ years to help others.  Honestly, I believe that is part of the purpose of this whole journey I've been on and that has been a tremendous help and propelled me forward in huge ways.  (Glad for that).

So, what did I learn?

1. I'm a compassionate person, so I often want to empathize with people - not just to offer sympathy.  This is not always necessary and I should not feel compelled to empathize in every situation.  Perhaps this is why Hallmark doesn't sell empathy cards.  Empathy is not "better" than sympathy, it's just a different emotion reserved for someone who can relate.  I don't have to try and put on someone else's shoes in a show of solidarity, instead I need to remember that to offer love and support for someone is enough.

2. I have learned to recognize those things that trigger my anxiety and panic in most cases and I should not be hesitant to stop someone mid-sentence when I see a trigger on the horizon.  It's my mind and my body and I'm responsible for protecting it.  If someone thinks I'm weird or rude  well, it's worth it to me to stay healthy for me and my family.

3. When I falter, when I shake and God help me  when I fail, my Heavenly Father does not.  Not only will He keep a hold of me, but He will let me know that I am covered by His love above all things.  I am His and that always has been and always will be true.  This allows me to pick myself up, dust myself off and give a big smile and a wave as I continue on.

I pray that I will keep learning and I hope you will pray that for me too.  My family and friends have been such an amazing discovery through this whole process and I'm amazed by how God can send you exactly what you need even when it's someone or something that has been right beside you all along.  I want to recognize a few people (certainly not all of them) that have been a source of strength and inspiration for me this month:

Joe, who is always willing to be my sounding board.  Kami, who loves so big and is my little partner.  Jay, who teaches me something new every day.  Staci, for always thinking of me when it's time to soak.  Diane for showing me faith above fear.  And Mary, for trusting me with your stuff and for listening, listening, listening to mine. ;-)

Cost of Living

Happy New Year!  Yes, I'm a bit behind on publishing new stuff so I hope you'll forgive me.  For 2015 I have decided that I want to make this year not about just getting to "brave" but to actually being brave and doing brave things.  If you've not done this kind of resolution before, I highly suggest you try it.  Pick your word and make it a part of your goals every day or every week!

I visited the pharmacy this week to pick up a prescription.  It's medication I should be taking but haven't for the better part of probably 9 months.  Now, while not taking it is not immediately life threatening or anything like that, it certainly does serve a purpose.  My decision stop taking this medication was not based on the medication itself, really.  Rather, because of the cost of the name-brand medication and honestly the difficulty refilling the prescription each month I just stopped ordering it.  Over the past few months I've started to notice the effects of not taking this medication regularly and decided that it is worth the hassle  to refill and the money  I would pay out of pocket. (Ugh)

When I arrived at the pick-up window this week, I was shocked when the attendant told me the amount I must pay.  "But I have insurance."  The attendant reminded me that I had not yet met my annual deductible and would be paying this price each month until I had done so.  "Haven't they released a generic for this yet?"  The patient woman behind the counter assured me that the item in my bag is the recently released generic.  What??? "Well, didn't I pay less for the name brand?"  Again, the attendant explained that my previous orders were made post-deductible and the amount I had paid before was just a portion of the actual cost of the medication.  She must have to explain these things alot, because she was very patient and understanding as I stared back at her with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.  The attendant went on to explain that today I was paying full-price for the generic ($70) versus full price for the name-brand ($395).  At that I politely shut my mouth, blinked my eyes and thanked her before driving away.

Only moments down the street, I began to process what I had just experienced.  My medication is designed to keep symptoms at bay and without it I could experience some levels of deterioration at an accelerated rate.  However, there are people out there that take various medications which they need to survive - like blood pressure, seizure, heart rate, or even treatment of various diseases or viruses that could be deadly.  How is it then that we [the United States] allow drug manufacturers to charge people over 564% more than the generic?  I mean, it's not like the manufacturers of the generic brand aren't making any money, there is a profit margin - I'd guess a healthy one - on their $70/box version.  So how is it legal or acceptable for these name-brand manufacturers to "gouge" the public like this?  It's my understanding that when a pharmaceutical company releases a new drug, they have a patent that allows them to sell their drug exclusively for 10-20 years in order to compensate them for the years of R&D spent on said drug, but selling it at +564% is obscene.  No wonder insurance companies' premiums are through the roof.  I certainly couldn't afford that each month, even with my insurance.  What about people without insurance?  What about people that take multiple medications?  What about people on a fixed income?  What about those living at or below the poverty line?  I was outraged.  Shouldn't someone do something?  Shouldn't someone say something?

No one should ever have to consider not getting treatment - tests, medications or procedures - because of the hardship it would put on their families.  It is unacceptable.  

Father, I pray you will right this injustice.  I pray you will not only grant healing over those suffering from illness and injury, but that you will empower those that will see to it that all of us have equal access to care for our health and wellness that we can afford.  Thank you for your blessings over us.  In the name of your son Jesus Christ, Amen.

Merry Christmas!

Today, like many of you, I’ll set out to finish up some Christmas shopping.  I love to shop and Christmas shopping is even better.  The crowds are big, the decorations are up, the music is playing and everyone is out there thinking of how to put a smile on the face of someone they love!  Sure, the parking is a challenge, lines are long and some people get grouchy – but there are some benefits to these things too.  When we park far, I get to hold hands and snuggle with my sweetie while we take the long chilly walk from the car to the door.  When we’re in line, I meet other people and make small talk or I get to have uninterrupted conversations with my shopping buddy.  And the best part is when people are grumpy I get to really exercise spreading peace and joy by smiling, holding doors open, being helpful and wishing EVERYONE a Merry Christmas.  I really do love wishing strangers a Merry Christmas.  For whatever reason, it is always met with that unexpected expression – surprise.  It’s like the look I aim for when my loved ones open my gifts for them on Christmas morning.  It really is the best.

Jesus is and will always be the best gift we’ve ever received.  I mean, who isn’t warmed at the sight of a baby?  The story of His birth is beautiful and captivating – but that’s not even the half of it.  Jesus became a teacher and a healer all before giving His own beautiful life to save ours.  It’s important that we look at this on an extremely personal and intimate level.  Think of what Christ endured at His death and know that He did this just for you.  Not for millions, but for you – just you.  Wow.  Now think of your loved ones and that the crucifixion happened for each of them.  And then try to imagine the love that it would take you to do that for some one person that you loved.  Now imagine further how much love it would take to do that for one person that didn’t treat you with love or respect or perhaps didn’t acknowledge you or worse denied you.  It is quite a love, right?  So this is God’s love for each one of us individually, that He would sacrifice His son.  And the love of Jesus, that He would submit himself to that kind of death for each one of us.  This is why Christmas is special.  This is why gifts of peace and joy are important at Christmas.  By spreading these to strangers, I get to sprinkle some of God’s love on them to feel and see.  I literally get to celebrate the birth of my Savior – our Savior – every time I wish someone a Merry Christmas.

Now days there is a lot of worry put on offending people by using the word Christmas at this time of year.  To that I say this:  People are born.  The day they are born is called a birthday.  Even non-Christians believe Jesus was a real person.  Christmas is His birthday.  You don’t have to believe He is who He is to recognize his birthday.  You don’t have to believe in Him at all, He’s proven that already.  He already died for your friends, your family, your neighbors and yes, even for you knowing full well you would never believe in Him or love Him.  As for me and my family we will celebrate, we will spread the joy that only God could give us and we wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Paying it Forward

Wow!

So I haven’t posted anything new in the last few weeks because I let myself get distracted.  But big things have definitely been happening.  Again, wow.  There is so much, so I’ll try not to ramble.  Fingers crossed.

This week I missed a phone call from a childhood friend that I hadn’t spoken to in years – yes years.  She texted me a question about dealing with anxiety and panic.  So, let me rewind just a bit.  I have been praying for God to use me as a vessel to pour out His blessings onto someone else for weeks and months now.  So, I call back and immediately I hear the despair in her voice.  We talked for a good while about what she was experiencing and things she could do to alleviate her stress.  I told her about people I had come to know and stories of recovery, including my own.  I found that from this perspective, I am still learning so much about myself.  Like, why would I look to the Lord as a last resort for assistance?  Duh – He should ALWAYS be my first call.  Anyway, when we got off the phone I immediately collapsed into the lap of the Lord.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for so many things.  I was grateful for His answer to my prayers.  My husband, my kids, forgiveness, this opportunity to help someone who was in pain, support of friends and family, healing, others recovering from anxiety, the videos, the cd’s, the articles, my therapist were all appreciated so much more in that moment than they had ever been in regards to this part of my life.  Even the dark moments when I was at my very worst and felt so very broken made me grateful.  I was g

rateful that I could speak to her, to anyone, with experience and perspective.  Wow.

Funny thing is it didn’t stop there.  I recalled a family friend telling me about his own experience with anxiety and panic.  He had offered me his own experiences and an ear when I needed someone to talk to.  I know, these kinds of offers seem so cliché and almost obligatory.  I knew it was coming from a place of sincerity and kindness, but I wasn’t sure I would ever really call.  But in those seconds after hanging up with my old friend, I understood how genuine and important this offer had been.  I understood how important being able to help someone else is to my recovery and healing and how it very well could be for someone else as well.  I had to write this family friend and thank him for his encouragement and let him know what he had done for me.  I can’t recreate the emotions that I was feeling when I wrote to him, so I’d like to share part of the letter:

I just had to write. As you know, I’ve been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for several years now. Today I certainly feel like I am in a much better place along my path to recovery. When I ran into you earlier this year and you shared your experience with me and offered your counsel, I was truly appreciative. With God’s help and the many tools and people He has placed in my life over the last year or two, I think I’m closer than ever to full recovery. But, I want you to know just how much your offer has impacted me over the last 6-8 months. Joe and I talked about it and while I never called, just knowing someone so positive and on fire for the Lord had not only gone through this but had emerged on the other side of it stronger and able to really smile was such an encouragement to me (and Joe) many many times. Although we’ve never sat down and swapped stories – and I still think we should someday – your success and healing has been a sure source of inspiration.

…I thought of you and what your words and generosity have meant to me and I just had to share that with you. You have to know that God has used you in this very specific circumstance to be a blessing to someone else and that it has been paid forward and so it is reaching beyond those you know personally. Isn’t that amazing?! Your suffering, your hurt, the sacrifice of your family for the length of time you were afflicted were for something great. It meant something. Thank you and I hope you are blessed by just knowing how much you and your beautiful wife and family are appreciated.

As for my friend, I plan on staying in touch with her and praying for her healing.  She is far stronger than she thinks.  I mean reaching out to ask and to call someone you haven’t spoken to in years was such a courageous and brave thing to do!

Me?  I will continue to “Just Write.”  Only now, I think I have the direction I have been waiting for and I am renewed and encouraged to take a leap of faith.

Begin it or renew it, I encourage you to start your conversation with the Lord.  Be thankful, be expectant and be willing.

Pray Expectantly

The holidays are among us.  I love everything about the holidays: the weather, the baking, the decorating, the music, the shopping and yes, even the crowds.  Hosting my family for Thanksgiving is stressful, but preparing a feast and a comfortable space for them brings me so much joy.  Knowing we will spend the whole day together visiting and enjoying each other’s company is something I look forward to every year.

My husband works in the mortgage industry.  Several years ago he was working for a company that closed its doors, and then another.  For a few years we crossed our fingers as one company after another succumbed to a faltering housing market.  We could usually get through about 9 ½ months with only an occasional scrape or bruise (meaning we had to figure out how to make $87.32 last 14 days for a family of four).  But it always seemed like just before the holidays, something extra would come up to make things just a bit more difficult to overcome.  Maybe a busted tire, a hospital visit or another office closure just before Thanksgiving would set the whole rest of the year into a tailspin.  And while we would recover, sometimes it took months.  By March, we were back to getting by on our shoestring budget.  When the kids were younger, it was easy to keep them from noticing how we stretched a dime.  And we could forego anniversary and Christmas gifts to each other, but it was all exhausting and I wondered if we would ever make it out of the cycle we seemed to be stuck in indefinitely.  I prayed.  Mostly as a last resort, but I did ask God to swoop in and help us out and somehow He would get us through.

Earlier this week we found out something extra had come up and it would affect our holidays.  I was so angry.  Quickly I flipped a switch – feeling trapped and somewhat betrayed.  Here we were working so hard to provide for our family and then out of the blue something was going to drive us off course.  And then I remembered something… prayer shouldn’t be a last resort.  While I’ve been very consistent about praying expectantly for family, friends, health, relationships and safety – I realized my prayers for our finances were a little different.  It came to my attention that I’d been praying expectantly for everything that I thought was out of my control.  For the things that I felt like I could control, I was only praying for backup.  Oh My Gosh!  Really?  Everything I know about God is that He wants me to be entirely dependent on Him.  I should be mindful of how He has never failed me, how He has always provided, even in ways that I couldn’t foresee.

So I did send up my prayers.  The next morning I took special care to thank God for all that He has provided for us, for never leaving our side.  And I asked Him to see us through this.  That evening my husband came home with some good news.  He had won a contest at work that meant a bonus.  My heart was immediately overwhelmed.  We love such a merciful and wonderful God.

Aftershocks

 Two weeks ago I had anxiety attack.  Now it wasn’t an 8 on the Richter Scale or anything, but it was definitely enough to rattle my walls.  Since then I’ve experienced several ‘aftershocks’.  One of the worst things about my particular brand of this disorder is that I become hypersensitive.  In particular, my heightened awareness and sensitivity goes beyond physical anomalies occurring inside my body – like small headaches, body aches, the progression of my digestion, clicks and pops of my joints, tiny nerve or muscle spasms.  Yes, I begin to notice everything around me too – my messy room, a dirty glass on the table, a late appointment, forgotten to-do list, a blouse that won’t button, the inflection in someone’s voice,   sighs, expressions – I could go on here for days, but you get the idea.  Of course I don’t just notice - I then become grossly irritable, agitated, and then just mean.  There is no intended victim of my offenses, just anyone that happens to be in the immediate line of fire.

No, this is not my proudest moment.  No, there is not an excuse.  No, there is no “but” coming.

My family has become accustomed to this shameful routine, as they are almost always the casualties of my short fuse and sharp tongue.  I see it in their body language, how they approach me, how they often wave the white flag and even how they argue with me – and now how they argue with each other.  I can see what the last 8 years has done to them, how it has affected who they are, how they approach their own challenges and how they receive their own joy and happiness.  Wow.  As I look over and watch them sleep this morning I could really kick myself for how unpleasant this has been on them.  I could sit here and cry all morning about how unfair it is that they have been so affected by my mess.  If bandits tied me to a train track, what kind of mom would say, “oh yeah, can you grab my husband and my kids and tie them up next to me”?  Duh!  That wouldn’t happen.  So, how have I allowed this dark cloud to damage these beautiful people I love so dearly?  More importantly, how have I allowed myself to participate in that hurt?

 

I really have tried to keep them separate from my disorder, but surely I can do a better job of this.  I know the healing is coming, it’s here, but it is not complete.  Perhaps quakes or aftershocks will happen again but I pray for some restraint in lashing out on the people around me.  In 1 Corinthians, chapter 13 the bible says:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.

God has told us that the greatest gift is love, that we can do all things through Christ whom he gave us because he loved us so much.  So, I pray not just for restraint but for love to win out over fear.