Appreciate a Breakthrough

Every once in a while we have a breakthrough, something that propels us forward and gives us a foothold in our efforts.  Perhaps it is something that is immediately noticeable, an ‘aha moment,’ when things click and begin to fall into place revealing a manageable game plan.  (I think of this looking like the Allspark in the Transformers movie, when it goes from the size of a mountain down to the size of a box of chocolates with just one touch.  Folding and retracting automatically and instantaneously).  Or maybe it’s something that we look at in retrospect and say, “oh wow, I bet that was the moment things started to go more smoothly.”  (I imagine this to look more like scraping paint of your house with a hand scraper and then employing a sand blaster.  The work gets much easier, but there is still much work required.  You may have to go back with the scraper to get some tough or tight spots, and then there is the clean-up - but looking back at the finished job you are grateful for the neighbor’s sand blaster, for sure).   However it happens for you, appreciate the breakthroughs.

When scientists reach a breakthrough in their research, we hear about it in the news.  “Researchers have reached a breakthrough in the fight against (insert condition here).  Doctors hope that this means they are closer to a cure for (insert condition again)”.  It’s important that when we have breakthroughs of our own, we remember this very important part – a breakthrough is not always a solution, but it is a surefooted step towards our goal.  We should be encouraged by breakthroughs and not discouraged by the work that is still ahead.  Enjoy the victory of a breakthrough, celebrate it and always be grateful.

My breakthrough:

As you may know, my anxiety – like that of many people who suffer from anxiety and panic disorders - revolves around an irrational fear of death.  I’ve spent plenty of time over the last few years feeling guilt over my fears.  I’m a Christian.  I believe in life after death.  I believe God has prepared a place for me in heaven and that life there with Him is greater than what I have the capacity to imagine.  So, why am I afraid to die?  Am I a bad Christian to not look forward to the afterlife?  If He stood before me and offered His hand, would I run and hide?  How cowardly!  How disrespectful!  How ungrateful!  But, a few weeks ago I had a breakthrough.  I remember it well.  I was in the shower offering up my prayers to God when He pointed out to me a difference I had not yet noticed on my own.  He asked me what I knew to be true about heaven, about life after death, about Him and His promises.  Then He asked me what about death I was most afraid of, what concerned me most, what caused me the most worry.  As I answered His questions aloud, I began to realize that dying was not my biggest fear.  In fact it wasn’t really among my top 5 biggest fears.  My friends, my biggest fear was not living.  While that may sound the same, it is actually quite different.  The fears I have are about not being able to experience life, about missing out on the gifts He gave me in this life.  And in case you haven’t been keeping up, I’ve already been doing that!  For the last eight years I’ve been living in a cave trying to avoid death – I don’t want to see it, talk about it, hear about it, remember it, think about it, risk it.  Even everyday language has changed… I don’t say “serious as a heart attack,” "live everyday like it's your last," “bored to death,” “you’re killing me,” “I’m dying to see them in concert.”  Death by Chocolate dessert?  No thanks.  SERIOUSLY?!  I’ve been missing out on living life to its fullest because I’ve been so preoccupied with fear.  Ironic huh?  Well, not anymore. I've already started a mantra for when I become hesitant or feel anxiety creep in... I say, "You are not afraid to die, you are afraid of not living - so live right now!"

I’m not yet sure if this breakthrough of mine is the aha moment kind or the sandblaster kind, but it is definitely a breakthrough and for that I am already grateful.  I pray for a breakthrough for you in your efforts – a relationship, finances, health or whatever they may be.  As for me, I don’t think I’m gonna take up skydiving, but maybe I’ll start checking the dessert menu. 

Calling All Heros

Yay! A post that has nothing to do with my anxiety (that I can tell).  This is a blessing that makes me so happy I thought it was worth noting.

Last night the family opted to stay in and watch a movie.  This is another picture based on a teen novel where the population is divided into segments and the unlikely young heroine is tasked with saving them all.  What I find interesting about these types of movies is that they take place in a future society where war and disease have riddled the world so much so that people are willing to allow this type of segregation just to survive, no matter how poor the quality of life might be.  It’s almost like we become so desperate to be alive that we choose to hand over our free will to anyone or anything that can offer us a day – despite how miserable that day is.*  (Ah!  There it is.)  In these stories, separation and conformity is a key objective of governance and survival.  The city is apparently the only civilization left, so of course they build a wall to keep themselves inside.  The population is separated into groups based on some arbitrary criteria, however there is always a lesser class and there is always an upper class which governs all the others.  And yes, even the lower classes manage to look down upon any class that is lower than their own.  I usually start these movies thinking, “Well, that’s not so bad, I mean if your alternative is a barren world outside of this last remaining piece of civilization.”  But let’s be honest, give any human that much control over another and inevitably they themselves will be tempted to promote their lives over the lives of others.   At the end of the day, it will take a rebellious and intuitive hero to look beyond the “fences” and see that in order for the world to not just survive, but to prosper, everyone must risk it all -break the chains of conformity and join forces in order to restore balance to their world.

Whew.  While that makes for good a good story line, I couldn’t help but recognize the parallels to our own world.  You see we are constantly reminded how different we are as people.  Turn on the television or click on the internet and you’ll see stories about wars in other parts of the world, you’ll hear about riots in our own back yards.  Race, religion, economic status, sex, political affiliation, education and many other things that make us unique are all topics to not only pronounce our differences to each other, but also to divide us as a society.  When I listen to talk radio, I’m supposed to become enraged at someone who has a different political perspective than my own.  I watch the news and I’m told that people in another country hate me because I was born an American.    On social media I see debates boasting levels of “rightness” based on levels of education.  The paper has stories of people fighting over rights based on sexual orientation.  I can even walk into a church and here chuckles about other religions!  (In church!  Really, people?)  It’s like a giant war brewing, being stirred up.  WHO would do that?

In fact, here’s what I know of my own experience:  I know people from other parts of the world, of those they could care less what country I was born in or live in.  I know soldiers that have been in some of these other countries and they were greeted with warmth and appreciation.  I know poor people.  Some are crappy, some are cool.  I know rich people.  Some are crappy, some are cool.  I know doctors.  Some are brilliant, some are idiots.  I know drop-outs, again some are brilliant while others are idiots.  I know heterosexuals.  Some care who you sleep with, some don’t care who you sleep with.  I know homosexuals.  Some care if you care who they sleep with, some don’t care if you care who they sleep with.  I know blacks, whites, brownies (I’m “Latina” “Mexican” “Mexican-American”…  I can call myself a brownie if I’d like.  And for the record I think it’s dumb that I have to list several acceptable Latino names.  I know what someone means when they say Mexican and if they aren’t trying to be offensive then I’m just not offended.), Asians, Italians, Germans and I’m sure many other –ans.  There are racists, non-racists, liars, honest people, thieves and givers among them all, true story.  I know Democrats. Some are good, others are not.  I know Republicans.  Some are good, others are not.  I know non-Christians.  Some are understanding, some are thoughtful, some are stubborn, some are mean and I think some are nuts.  I know Christians – Catholics, Baptists, Non-denominational, Lutheran, Methodists, and then some.  Some are understanding, some are thoughtful, some are stubborn, some are mean and yes, I think some are nuts.

I don’t blame the media, solely.  At the end of any day, I have to take responsibility for what I’m willing to believe.  I have to take ownership of my own willingness to be separated from my brothers and sisters on this planet.  If I allow someone to fence me off from my neighbors, that’s on me.  If I decide to take someone else’s word over my own personal experience and use that to determine how I view and treat others, it’s my fault.  If I decide it’s easier to conform to these types of evolving rules than to buck the system and question what I don’t agree with, ultimately I’m to blame.  I was given free will, we all were, long before I was given anything else and I’d like to use mine.

I don’t throw knives or shoot arrows (although I’ve always thought I’d enjoy that very much), but I do have a talent or two of my own.  So, I’d like to exercise my free will right now.  I’ve always been a tad rebellious, and I’d certainly like to think I’m intuitive.  I’ve told you what I see personally when I look past the fences of other people and I encourage you to do the same.  I choose not to conform to what anyone else thinks I should think about other people or how I should treat them and I invite you to consider that as well.  I choose not to conform to the idea of a diseased and war-ready human population.  I refuse to believe that everyone but me is cool just surviving in a world like that too.  And I’m definitely not handing over my free will to Satan and his sneaky ways.

*Many times when I write, I will have an idea of what I need to get into text.  However, sometimes I really have no clue and I just pray for guidance in what direction to take off into.  I just thought it would be cool to show you when the light came on for me today and give a little shout out and praise to our Heavenly Father.  Woohoo!

Valuable Experience

In a movie we watched yesterday evening, I heard something that stood out and I’d like to share it with you.  “You don’t have to save the world… I believe that’s already been done.”

Years ago, I experienced something out of the ordinary.  The man I worked for suffered a severe health emergency and died.  For years, I wrestled with many things surrounding this experience – as this is the event that likely led to my PTSD diagnosis.  Today, I still struggle with the memory of that experience, but I have come a long way and every once in a while I’m reminded just how far and sometimes even why.

Part of what plagued me is that I was in his office with him when it happened.  I was trained in CPR and first aid.  I was a quick and level-headed in an emergency.  So, why couldn’t I fix this?

How come I couldn’t save this person’s life?

Had I earned this punishment for something I did wrong?

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve pondered these questions over the last seven years.  It’s funny to me how self-centered we are sometimes that we really believe incidents we witness are all about us, isn’t it?  The truth is our God is so amazing it’s beyond our ability to comprehend and even beyond our ability to imagine.  See, He has orchestrated everything in this life down to the finest detail – there are no mistakes and there are no accidents.  Whatever we experience along the road of life He has meant for us to experience.  It becomes part of us, part of our story.  And I believe sometimes that story is intended for us to share, maybe to encourage others.  Or maybe our story is to prepare us to be a comfort to a friend.  But whatever the case, it’s only a part of us, only a part of our story – it’s not the whole thing.  With that said, it’s important to accept that being there with someone while they passed from this life into the next was exactly the role that was intended for me that day.

I’m not sure how I’ve already used what I went through or how I will use it in the future to help someone else.  I do believe, now, I wasn’t supposed to save that man.  I was supposed to be there, so he wouldn’t be alone.  I was supposed to be a friendly face.  I was supposed to bring comfort to his family.  I was supposed to use the experience to eventually support others.  All of these gifts were meant for other people to receive, which is perfect because I love giving gifts!

“Did He insist on my vision being the same as yours?  Of course not.  Did He make me one of those heros… no, that’s what I wanted.  God had a different plan.  God crushed my pride, opened my heart to love.  All I have to do, the one thing this love requires, is if I let others know they’re not alone.”

I think I can do this.  I think you can too.

(P.S. - The movie was Heaven is for Real.  If you haven't seen it, it's worth checking out.  Although the book, YES, is better.  Enjoy!)

Thank God for Our Vacation

A few weeks ago our family took a vacation.  First stop, my son's tournament then continue on to the beautiful beaches of Alabama.  I couldn't tell you the last time I vacationed away from home for more than 4 days, so this was an absolute treat for all of us.  The firsts were not just for me, for my children certainly had their share of new experiences.  Some were things I was able to impart, like their first time out of Texas, their first visit to New Orleans and beignets at Café Du Monde.  Other firsts were things we shared, like staying in a beach house, kayaking in the ocean and visiting some iconic tourist spots among many others.  This vacation was special for many reasons not all of which I'll reflect on now, but so you know this has already proven  to be one of those gifts that keeps on giving.  First of all, it was a much needed time of mandatory rest and relaxation for me.  That is not to say that there were not some bumps along the way.

So, we left on Friday for Jay's lacrosse tournament in New Orleans.  Due to some pretty harrowing rainy thunderstorms our five hour drive easily turned into eight.  It was somewhere about hour four that I realized I had forgotten my medication.  Now, as you know I have been making some significant progress in that area, so my medication travels with me strictly for "in case of emergency" situations.  Let me assure you, if you have never crossed the 23-mile, 2-lane, no shoulder, unlit bridge that goes over the center of  Lake Pontchartrain during a rainstorm in the complete dark of night - well, let's just say that would constitute an emergency anxiety situation.  Which reminds me, I should probably see about getting my fingernail impressions out of the inside door handle of the car.

By Tuesday we were already a couple of days settled in at the lovely beachfront house we would call home for the rest of the week.  The kids would get up at the crack of dawn (which, by the way, is earlier when you are so close to the time zone line) and go fish on the beach.  We wore a swimsuits everyday and didn't need shoes nearly at all.  One of the families that vacationed with us really were the guides of our vacation experience. These folks are no strangers to all things fishing, boating and beach life in general and it made for an exciting adventure we would not have otherwise enjoyed.  But about Tuesday... So, the kids would bait the rod that was anchored on the beach and then take bait out on the kayak and drop it a few hundred yards out and kayak back to shore.  The object being to catch bigger fish than what they could attract by fishing in waist deep surf.  By mid afternoon, this technique had landed a shark over 5 feet long up on our beach.  And for all you animal lovers, no need to panic - we released him back into the water.  It was quite an experience that we (and our beachfront neighbors) will likely not forget anytime soon.  In case of emergency situation #2, if you're keeping count.

I did see this vacation as a way to test my nerve, however.  I climbed into a kayak for the first time and went out alone beyond the surf.  It was blissful to be out on the water pushing my body and my mind to do something new.  Of course, that was before capsizing into water that was well above my head (Intro JAWS music).  I went back out on that kayak a few days later with a friend and got out to where the boys were dropping bait all week.  Although I couldn't get back to shore fast enough, I'm proud to say I managed not to panic and not to capsize me and my friend into "big fish" territory.  I watched my son stand up paddle board far out past where the water changes color when I realized he didn't have a life vest on.  And then I watched him skillfully come all the way back in.  While I realize these adventures might be small potatoes to most folks, they are huge obstacles for me and I will take them in stride.

Everyday since our vacation ended I have thought about the progress this one week has marked for me.  I have reflected on how many times I was able to silence that nagging voice that always ensues fear and panic.  But what may be even more remarkable is recalling everything we did and realizing how many times I didn't worry about things that usually trigger my anxiety.  While images of my family enjoying our time together and the experiences we were blessed with are certainly reasons to appreciate this trip, I think this is the reason why I keep thanking God each day for our family vacation.

Fear Can't Change Fate

On my way home from work the other day, I was detoured because of a very serious accident.  At that same time, I heard someone call into the radio station I was listening to asking for prayers for the woman and children that were being treated at the scene.  As I maneuvered through my alternate route, I could see the lights of the emergency response vehicles and the blades of the Life Flight helicopter on the overpass above me as I prayed.  My thoughts of that accident and those people stayed with me.  For me, these kinds of experiences feed anxiety.  I will almost always transfer these things onto my own life.  For example, if I had heard of a family that was affected by a house fire, then I would be preoccupied with thoughts of a fire in my house.  Were I told about a roller coaster going off track, the local amusement park would spark my hesitation and dread.  You see where this is going, don’t you?

These fears are completely ridiculous, I know.  Still, repeating that to myself this morning doesn’t really help me when I know our family will have to drive the kids in different directions for games today.  While serious panic attacks remain mostly at bay, I continue to battle overwhelming stress of fearful thoughts more regularly than I’d like to admit.

However, I am reminded of this:

God’s will is not something I can control or change.  Originally this would cause me panic itself.  I mean, if it is God’s will that someone will die today, nothing I do can deter that from happening, right?  But, looking at it from a more positive prospective is just as true, if it is not God’s will that someone will die today, nothing I do can change that either!  And, the bible is very specific in this truth – God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (2Timothy 1:7) – we were not created or intended to be fearful or anxious.  He has spoken His intentions over our lives and they were recorded in the bible long before we were born, and they do not include fear and anxiety.  Imagine planning to start a family and all the hopes and plans you have for your children.  Did you ever think, “Oh, I want to have a fearful and anxious little girl who trembles at her own thoughts?”  Well, our heavenly father didn’t either!

So, I will take refuge in the Father today and everyday because He wants me to live fully everyday and enjoy His countless blessings.  I hope you'll do the same.  :0)

On another note, earlier this week an old friend of mine lost his mother.  I was so inspired by his comments upon her passing:  memories of a happy childhood, reflections of a woman that made their family a home and verses from the bible.  It has been so uplifting to witness someone’s faith, even through their own grief.  Please play for my friend as he buries his mom today, that he and his family may be given strength, comfort and peace.

Truth Is, You Were Planned...

When my husband and I had our children, we made conscious efforts to bring other lives into our family.  It was with great anticipation and love that we prayed for and eventually had our children.  And even though many people don’t plan when they conceive, there are plenty of us that were created because of the love two people had for one another.

I was fortunate enough to attend a women’s retreat a few months ago where it was laid out and revealed to me the truths that were spoken over me (and each and every one of us) in the bible before we were ever conceived in the flesh.  It’s actually pretty amazing to see it listed and I did a little research to find them myself.  Here’s what God said about us:

We are…

His, His children, justified, redeemed, His friends, free, accepted, called, wise, righteous, new, loved, chosen, holy, forgiven, bold, complete, justified, the light of the world, powerful, loving, appointed, guaranteed, cleansed, whole, honored, wanted, enjoyed, gifted, pursued, anointed, equipped, irreplaceable, victorious, safe, secure, a channel, beloved, we have a family.

Isn’t that amazing??  I thank God for this revelation in my prayers every morning.  But honestly, I didn’t really get it until a few days ago and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and how much I wanted to share it with you.  See, it occurred to me that I felt many of these things in some degree or another for my own children before they were even conceived and while I was awaiting their arrival.  It makes perfect sense that our heavenly father would feel this about each one of us - but on a much bigger scale.  All of a sudden I thought about people I know who don’t always feel their worth.  I think about people who feel abandoned, people that don’t have earthly families, people that have lost their parents, people that have hurtful relationships, people that feel alone.  Oh wow, how we all need to hear this!  How we all need to know every single day that God (the best dad ever!) planned for us.  Planned for you, wanted you, longed for you, created you to be a part of his family, made a place for you!  And not just in the past tense, but in the present and future tense too.  Not only did he set up your nursery, but he set aside your college fund and inheritance!  He made a life for you, and while things aren’t always as we would have them – He set them up masterfully so that you would be in the best possible place to inherit the good stuff when it’s all said and done.  If, before we had our kids, I had the means to line up everything for them to end up in just the right place when the last sun sets – wouldn’t I do that?  To give them the experiences that they need and will make them good people, even if it isn’t always what they want or when they want it?  To set them up for success even if that means having to present them with obstacles I know they’ll make it through?  I would so do that.  It’s genius!

“Whatever your struggles or failures, those are not the truest things about you”.  I hope that if you didn’t know what His feelings for you were when you were written into His plan, you will take joy in knowing the truth now.

To The Test

This morning my third grader had a little apprehension leaving for school.  You see, this is her first time taking the STAAR test.  So much has been made about this test, it’s significance, what it says about the teacher, what it says about the student, what it means if you don’t do well.  If tests don’t already give you the heebie geebies, the importance placed on this one test would surely make your knees wobble a bit!  I understand the need to get a good night’s rest before a long test, to eat a plentiful breakfast before engaging your brain, to bring an extra pencil – those are all good habits to prepare for any big day.  My problem is when you turn the promotion of good habits into all-out fear mongering.  Yes, this test is important.  Yes, this test has consequences.  But, the need for our kids to do well shouldn’t rest on the 4 days a year when they sit down to several hours of standardized testing.  Growing up, I was told it was important to do my best on every assignment.   I made my best efforts to get an A on my math homework and my weekly spelling test just as much as I did to score well on music assignments and physical aptitude tests in P.E.!  When it came time to take state tests, my teachers emphasized that they were assessments of all of the material we had already mastered throughout the year.   There were no pep rallies planned to send us off, like we were going into battle.  We didn’t designate a portion of each class period to practice taking the test every day.  Fear was not a factor.

Dear Lord, as our kids head to school this week to be assessed, I hope for their reassurance.  I pray that each of them will walk to class with confidence in their ability and with faith in you God, that you will give them comfort and steady their nerves.  I pray they are rested and nourished, that their teachers and parents have done well in preparing them for the next school year and that this will be evident in their assessment this week.

Joshua 1:9 – Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.