Paying it Forward

Wow!

So I haven’t posted anything new in the last few weeks because I let myself get distracted.  But big things have definitely been happening.  Again, wow.  There is so much, so I’ll try not to ramble.  Fingers crossed.

This week I missed a phone call from a childhood friend that I hadn’t spoken to in years – yes years.  She texted me a question about dealing with anxiety and panic.  So, let me rewind just a bit.  I have been praying for God to use me as a vessel to pour out His blessings onto someone else for weeks and months now.  So, I call back and immediately I hear the despair in her voice.  We talked for a good while about what she was experiencing and things she could do to alleviate her stress.  I told her about people I had come to know and stories of recovery, including my own.  I found that from this perspective, I am still learning so much about myself.  Like, why would I look to the Lord as a last resort for assistance?  Duh – He should ALWAYS be my first call.  Anyway, when we got off the phone I immediately collapsed into the lap of the Lord.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for so many things.  I was grateful for His answer to my prayers.  My husband, my kids, forgiveness, this opportunity to help someone who was in pain, support of friends and family, healing, others recovering from anxiety, the videos, the cd’s, the articles, my therapist were all appreciated so much more in that moment than they had ever been in regards to this part of my life.  Even the dark moments when I was at my very worst and felt so very broken made me grateful.  I was g

rateful that I could speak to her, to anyone, with experience and perspective.  Wow.

Funny thing is it didn’t stop there.  I recalled a family friend telling me about his own experience with anxiety and panic.  He had offered me his own experiences and an ear when I needed someone to talk to.  I know, these kinds of offers seem so cliché and almost obligatory.  I knew it was coming from a place of sincerity and kindness, but I wasn’t sure I would ever really call.  But in those seconds after hanging up with my old friend, I understood how genuine and important this offer had been.  I understood how important being able to help someone else is to my recovery and healing and how it very well could be for someone else as well.  I had to write this family friend and thank him for his encouragement and let him know what he had done for me.  I can’t recreate the emotions that I was feeling when I wrote to him, so I’d like to share part of the letter:

I just had to write. As you know, I’ve been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for several years now. Today I certainly feel like I am in a much better place along my path to recovery. When I ran into you earlier this year and you shared your experience with me and offered your counsel, I was truly appreciative. With God’s help and the many tools and people He has placed in my life over the last year or two, I think I’m closer than ever to full recovery. But, I want you to know just how much your offer has impacted me over the last 6-8 months. Joe and I talked about it and while I never called, just knowing someone so positive and on fire for the Lord had not only gone through this but had emerged on the other side of it stronger and able to really smile was such an encouragement to me (and Joe) many many times. Although we’ve never sat down and swapped stories – and I still think we should someday – your success and healing has been a sure source of inspiration.

…I thought of you and what your words and generosity have meant to me and I just had to share that with you. You have to know that God has used you in this very specific circumstance to be a blessing to someone else and that it has been paid forward and so it is reaching beyond those you know personally. Isn’t that amazing?! Your suffering, your hurt, the sacrifice of your family for the length of time you were afflicted were for something great. It meant something. Thank you and I hope you are blessed by just knowing how much you and your beautiful wife and family are appreciated.

As for my friend, I plan on staying in touch with her and praying for her healing.  She is far stronger than she thinks.  I mean reaching out to ask and to call someone you haven’t spoken to in years was such a courageous and brave thing to do!

Me?  I will continue to “Just Write.”  Only now, I think I have the direction I have been waiting for and I am renewed and encouraged to take a leap of faith.

Begin it or renew it, I encourage you to start your conversation with the Lord.  Be thankful, be expectant and be willing.

Pray Expectantly

The holidays are among us.  I love everything about the holidays: the weather, the baking, the decorating, the music, the shopping and yes, even the crowds.  Hosting my family for Thanksgiving is stressful, but preparing a feast and a comfortable space for them brings me so much joy.  Knowing we will spend the whole day together visiting and enjoying each other’s company is something I look forward to every year.

My husband works in the mortgage industry.  Several years ago he was working for a company that closed its doors, and then another.  For a few years we crossed our fingers as one company after another succumbed to a faltering housing market.  We could usually get through about 9 ½ months with only an occasional scrape or bruise (meaning we had to figure out how to make $87.32 last 14 days for a family of four).  But it always seemed like just before the holidays, something extra would come up to make things just a bit more difficult to overcome.  Maybe a busted tire, a hospital visit or another office closure just before Thanksgiving would set the whole rest of the year into a tailspin.  And while we would recover, sometimes it took months.  By March, we were back to getting by on our shoestring budget.  When the kids were younger, it was easy to keep them from noticing how we stretched a dime.  And we could forego anniversary and Christmas gifts to each other, but it was all exhausting and I wondered if we would ever make it out of the cycle we seemed to be stuck in indefinitely.  I prayed.  Mostly as a last resort, but I did ask God to swoop in and help us out and somehow He would get us through.

Earlier this week we found out something extra had come up and it would affect our holidays.  I was so angry.  Quickly I flipped a switch – feeling trapped and somewhat betrayed.  Here we were working so hard to provide for our family and then out of the blue something was going to drive us off course.  And then I remembered something… prayer shouldn’t be a last resort.  While I’ve been very consistent about praying expectantly for family, friends, health, relationships and safety – I realized my prayers for our finances were a little different.  It came to my attention that I’d been praying expectantly for everything that I thought was out of my control.  For the things that I felt like I could control, I was only praying for backup.  Oh My Gosh!  Really?  Everything I know about God is that He wants me to be entirely dependent on Him.  I should be mindful of how He has never failed me, how He has always provided, even in ways that I couldn’t foresee.

So I did send up my prayers.  The next morning I took special care to thank God for all that He has provided for us, for never leaving our side.  And I asked Him to see us through this.  That evening my husband came home with some good news.  He had won a contest at work that meant a bonus.  My heart was immediately overwhelmed.  We love such a merciful and wonderful God.

Aftershocks

 Two weeks ago I had anxiety attack.  Now it wasn’t an 8 on the Richter Scale or anything, but it was definitely enough to rattle my walls.  Since then I’ve experienced several ‘aftershocks’.  One of the worst things about my particular brand of this disorder is that I become hypersensitive.  In particular, my heightened awareness and sensitivity goes beyond physical anomalies occurring inside my body – like small headaches, body aches, the progression of my digestion, clicks and pops of my joints, tiny nerve or muscle spasms.  Yes, I begin to notice everything around me too – my messy room, a dirty glass on the table, a late appointment, forgotten to-do list, a blouse that won’t button, the inflection in someone’s voice,   sighs, expressions – I could go on here for days, but you get the idea.  Of course I don’t just notice - I then become grossly irritable, agitated, and then just mean.  There is no intended victim of my offenses, just anyone that happens to be in the immediate line of fire.

No, this is not my proudest moment.  No, there is not an excuse.  No, there is no “but” coming.

My family has become accustomed to this shameful routine, as they are almost always the casualties of my short fuse and sharp tongue.  I see it in their body language, how they approach me, how they often wave the white flag and even how they argue with me – and now how they argue with each other.  I can see what the last 8 years has done to them, how it has affected who they are, how they approach their own challenges and how they receive their own joy and happiness.  Wow.  As I look over and watch them sleep this morning I could really kick myself for how unpleasant this has been on them.  I could sit here and cry all morning about how unfair it is that they have been so affected by my mess.  If bandits tied me to a train track, what kind of mom would say, “oh yeah, can you grab my husband and my kids and tie them up next to me”?  Duh!  That wouldn’t happen.  So, how have I allowed this dark cloud to damage these beautiful people I love so dearly?  More importantly, how have I allowed myself to participate in that hurt?

 

I really have tried to keep them separate from my disorder, but surely I can do a better job of this.  I know the healing is coming, it’s here, but it is not complete.  Perhaps quakes or aftershocks will happen again but I pray for some restraint in lashing out on the people around me.  In 1 Corinthians, chapter 13 the bible says:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.

God has told us that the greatest gift is love, that we can do all things through Christ whom he gave us because he loved us so much.  So, I pray not just for restraint but for love to win out over fear.

Parenting Can Get Scary

This week has been particularly taxing.  My son is in his first year of Jr. High and experiencing many of the changes that kids his age are facing these days.  As parents, Joe and I have been experiencing some changes of our own.  While our son is transitioning to different types of school work and new friends, we are adjusting to raising a teen (well, a pre-teen).  We’re learning “new math,” finding out about these new friends and trying to understand new attitudes.  Add this to raising another active child, jobs, home, sports, last-minute Halloween costumes – aaarrrgh!  It’s just a lot.  And honestly, I don’t think I have the wine budget to support it all.

Now, we’re pretty tough on our kids, but the last week has really felt a lot like we’re just nagging and nagging.  Did you check your homework?  Quit picking on your sister!  Hurry up!  Clean your room!  Watch your mouth!  What’s with the attitude?  Don’t procrastinate!

We noticed that all the nagging may actually give him the wrong impression.  While our objective was to help him make a smoother transition, perhaps our methods have been somewhat counter-productive.  We started to think that we were communicating (falsely) that we were unhappy with the young man he is right now, that we are disappointed in what the kid has accomplished and how great he already is.  YIKES!  RESET.  We needed to let him know that we LOVE LOVE LOVE him, are super proud of him and want only the best for him.  Aiming for perfection and speaking out to correct him at every turn has led us astray as parents.  Maybe we need to switch gears and encourage him, support him and recognize him for all the things that he is doing well.  We certainly see those things and know those things, but we have been so focused on the struggles he’s having that we’ve neglected to praise the success he’s having at the same time!

He needs to know that we are happy he is doing well in school, even though he’s dealing with more challenging subjects and more work.  We’re proud of how supportive he is of his sister in her school work and her sports.  We love how much he shows care and affection to his relationships with family and friends, even though most kids his age think that’s not cool.  We appreciate how brave he is to go out and make new friends on his own.  We like how hard he works at sports and music while still trying to help teach others.  We think it’s great how much he reads.  Overall, we want him to know how awesome he is!

It reminds me of how God must feel about us.  When we, as adults, are always focused on what we are doing wrong, what isn’t working out, what we have to fix – God is always loving us for all that we are and all He knows we can and will be.  He loves us in spite of our faults and our mistakes.  And while God guides us to do good, He doesn’t want us to dwell on the past or on the negative.   He is merciful and forgiving.  He really is the ultimate example of how to be a parent.

I can’t wait till Jay gets home today, so I can tell him how great I think he’s doing!  And it’s really nice to know that God forgives me even when this parenting thing gets a little scary.

Put it in Prayer

It is my understanding that sometimes we are called to reach out to others to do God’s will.  Now, sometimes it is by example that we can best introduce those lost sheep to Christ Jesus.  But other times we must step out beyond our comfort zones and do real work to help others to know or re-acquaint with the Lord.  Several months ago, I met someone that is a declared non-believer.  Initially I felt sorrow for this person – living without hope or purpose.  Over the course of time, this difference in our beliefs has really challenged me.  You see, I feel a need to help this sheep find a way back to The Shepherd.   It is difficult not to want the peace of a life with Christ for others.  As a Christian, it’s hard to hear anyone speak out against something so integral to our everyday - to our every breath.  But we are reminded in the Bible, that while we shall make an effort to do God’s work, we should not argue with non-believers.

Pray for God to use you as a way for others to find Him.  Pray for the lost that they may be found, if not through you, some other way.  And pray for God's encouragement, understanding and peace for yourself when you are not the vessel through which a soul is recovered.  Trust that God will save those who are to be saved and He will see to those who are to be lost.

On another note, I wasn’t always a pray-er.  Now, I find very few things more important/satisfying/rewarding/ than the time I spend in prayer.  While I understand not everyone may be called or moved to pray, I am.  So I try and remember that when faced with any roadblock that seems impassable, just pray. If you are not a pray-er, I hope you will give it a shot.  It may be awkward at first, but it’s kind of like trying a new exercise on your own for the first time.  A little uncomfortable.  “Is anyone looking at me?”   “Am I even doing this right?”  “I’ve been at this for a while, is it working?”  Try not to think of a right or wrong way to pray.  You don’t have to memorize anything.  As a matter of fact, my prayers are very much like a conversation.  Just go in with a thankful heart and you really can’t go wrong.

Let me share with you my daily prayer, which is hugely personal by the way.  But in any event, if it helps you to develop your own prayer, I’m happy to help:

Dear Lord, thank you for this day.  Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for keeping us safe.  Thank you for our good health.  Thank you for your provisions.  Thank you, Lord, for you countless blessings over us – the seen and unseen.  Lord, keep me mindful that I cannot comprehend your works or abilities, that I may be encouraged knowing your power is beyond my imagination.  I pray you will continue to keep us safe and healthy.  I pray you will continue to provide for all of our needs and that you will help us to be a blessing to others.  I pray for your guidance in all I say and do, that I might be good example of what it is to be a member of your family, that others may be led to you.   In the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Of course you may want to pray about specific things, but I have every confidence your prayers will be amazing!

Flip It

I like watching shows about flipping.  It’s cool to see someone purchase a home that is in less than ideal shape and put some work in to make it much more desirable.  Or the one where they find an item in a flea market and turn it into a one-of-a-kind piece.  The flipped project is almost always worth much more after the flip than it was worth in the beginning.  I like to consider myself somewhat creative, but I’m always surprised by the transformations between the before and after.  The ‘reveal’ is great because the ‘after’ confirms the potential that was imagined when we first saw the ‘before.’

Wouldn’t it be great if we looked at life that way?  I imagine we would see lots of potential in our lives, if we committed to looking at it with possibilities in mind.  And if that wasn’t good enough, distressed or worn items are prized finds – offering more character than something shiny and new.  Well, isn’t that good news?

Whether you are interested in making big changes in your life or small changes or if you just want to change how you perceive your circumstances I know God would love to be your celebrity craftsman.  So, just ask!

Ring, Ring... It's For You.

I often wonder how some people live without believing in God.  Where is their hope?  Do they have none? 

There are many examples in the bible that speak of the difficulties in following Jesus or believing in Him.  Trials.  Do I leave my life, my work to become an apostle?  Do I claim Him when I am questioned in an angry crowd?  Even when He performs miracles, do I fail to credit Him as the son of God? 

On many occasions, I have pondered if were I there, would I have been one of those that would have dropped everything to follow Him.  Would I have sit to listen to His teachings, or would I have been among the crowd calling for His crucifixion?  Many a Good Friday I have wept because I fear I would have been among the non-believers or worse, those believers too afraid to admit it.  I’ve been fearful and ashamed that I would likely have lied about my belief to save myself while He was going to His death for that very sin among my many others.  No doubt, being a Christian when He was in the flesh would have been so very hard.  Sometimes I wish my faith had been tested in those days, so I would know if I was good enough to have made the right choices.  (Don’t worry I’ll get back to that).

I guess following Christ now is hard too.  I mean, we can declare ourselves Christians, go to church, wear a cross around our neck, slap a Jesus fish on the back of our cars and call it a day.  But that’s not really following, is it?  No, I’m not afraid to say I believe in God.  I’m not scared to wear the t-shirt or ask for vacation time to attend a Christian women’s event.  I’m not even shy about asking people about their prayer life.  While that is not where I was 20 years ago, it’s not exactly following Him either.

I believe we are all called by God.  He has equipped each of us with a set of gifts, unique to us, that are necessary for our very individualized calling.  Some people are called to do great big things and some of us are called to do very simple things.  I don’t need to know if mine is one or the other, but all of the calls are important and necessary.  Now, I suppose not everyone hears the call or maybe some don’t realize that the ‘noise’ they hear is actually the phone ringing.  But just because we’ve turned our ringer off, it doesn’t change the fact that we’ve got messages piling up – ya know?  The hard part is stepping out onto the water.  I certainly don’t understand the reason for my calling, so it takes faith and trust in someone I’ve never seen or touched before.  Talk about hard.  Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m moving clumsily in the right direction, but I want so much to trust Him so I trudge on.  Oh, and I pray- a lot.  Every day in conversation, I ask if I’m doing this right.  Are you sure?  Just this?  Trust me, I’m like a new hire on the first day – every day.  (Yes, He’s also demonstrating what patience is supposed to look like just dealing with me every day!  LOL)

So you get the call, then what?  My ‘thing’ is not difficult for me, after all it is something I’ve been equipped to do – so it’s right up my alley.  The hard part isn’t doing what I’ve been called to do, it’s everything else:

      1.       That’s it?  Realizing I’m but a tiny fish in a great big sea sure puts things in perspective, thank you.  I’m an extrovert.  I like a challenge.  I tell stories and like to reveal the punchline in a grand finale.  Understanding that my role is so simple is a gut check, one that is remarkably necessary for me to give the props to my Creator and not attribute them to myself.

      2.       Time.  I’m a working mom (I know, redundant).  That means I’ve always got a list of stuff to get done.  Making time to visit with God every day, read The Gospel, meditate on what I’ve read is hard.  Then trying to relate my experience with something worthy and entertaining?  I really need to rely on God to flow through, I’m just a vessel.  This is actually very therapeutic, but carving out the time is still a challenge.

      3.       Acceptance.  Each time I answer my call, I learn something.  It’s not always pretty.  Accepting that new information and applying it to my life is hard.  Who wants to wake up and realize you’ve been doing something wrong and you need to change?  What about not knowing if it’s working?  If you paint a picture and sell it on the street, you know if it touched someone.   Accepting that you may never know if your works have reached someone or brought someone to a relationship with God… for me, that’s hard.  But again it’s about trust and faith in someone other than myself.

      4.       Knowing.  Perhaps this is the most difficult for me.  But knowing, and I mean really knowing, God decided before I was ever formed in my mother’s belly that I was good enough for Him is hard.  Not the belly part, I mean I was a baby – innocent.  But now, grown up me with years and years of sin under her belt and later, the old lady me with more sin than I’d care to look forward to having racked up.  He decided long before I was conceived that I, with all the sin I would ever pack into my carry-on luggage, was good enough.  I’ve done things, thought things that no human may ever know about – but He does.  And still, He’s claimed me?  It’s hard to know that.  What if I could love, forgive like that?  Knowing I don’t have that capacity today, yeah that’s hard too.

I hope you are encouraged to listen for your call.  I pray that however hard it is for you, you will perservere.