Fear Can't Change Fate

On my way home from work the other day, I was detoured because of a very serious accident.  At that same time, I heard someone call into the radio station I was listening to asking for prayers for the woman and children that were being treated at the scene.  As I maneuvered through my alternate route, I could see the lights of the emergency response vehicles and the blades of the Life Flight helicopter on the overpass above me as I prayed.  My thoughts of that accident and those people stayed with me.  For me, these kinds of experiences feed anxiety.  I will almost always transfer these things onto my own life.  For example, if I had heard of a family that was affected by a house fire, then I would be preoccupied with thoughts of a fire in my house.  Were I told about a roller coaster going off track, the local amusement park would spark my hesitation and dread.  You see where this is going, don’t you?

These fears are completely ridiculous, I know.  Still, repeating that to myself this morning doesn’t really help me when I know our family will have to drive the kids in different directions for games today.  While serious panic attacks remain mostly at bay, I continue to battle overwhelming stress of fearful thoughts more regularly than I’d like to admit.

However, I am reminded of this:

God’s will is not something I can control or change.  Originally this would cause me panic itself.  I mean, if it is God’s will that someone will die today, nothing I do can deter that from happening, right?  But, looking at it from a more positive prospective is just as true, if it is not God’s will that someone will die today, nothing I do can change that either!  And, the bible is very specific in this truth – God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (2Timothy 1:7) – we were not created or intended to be fearful or anxious.  He has spoken His intentions over our lives and they were recorded in the bible long before we were born, and they do not include fear and anxiety.  Imagine planning to start a family and all the hopes and plans you have for your children.  Did you ever think, “Oh, I want to have a fearful and anxious little girl who trembles at her own thoughts?”  Well, our heavenly father didn’t either!

So, I will take refuge in the Father today and everyday because He wants me to live fully everyday and enjoy His countless blessings.  I hope you'll do the same.  :0)

On another note, earlier this week an old friend of mine lost his mother.  I was so inspired by his comments upon her passing:  memories of a happy childhood, reflections of a woman that made their family a home and verses from the bible.  It has been so uplifting to witness someone’s faith, even through their own grief.  Please play for my friend as he buries his mom today, that he and his family may be given strength, comfort and peace.

Truth Is, You Were Planned...

When my husband and I had our children, we made conscious efforts to bring other lives into our family.  It was with great anticipation and love that we prayed for and eventually had our children.  And even though many people don’t plan when they conceive, there are plenty of us that were created because of the love two people had for one another.

I was fortunate enough to attend a women’s retreat a few months ago where it was laid out and revealed to me the truths that were spoken over me (and each and every one of us) in the bible before we were ever conceived in the flesh.  It’s actually pretty amazing to see it listed and I did a little research to find them myself.  Here’s what God said about us:

We are…

His, His children, justified, redeemed, His friends, free, accepted, called, wise, righteous, new, loved, chosen, holy, forgiven, bold, complete, justified, the light of the world, powerful, loving, appointed, guaranteed, cleansed, whole, honored, wanted, enjoyed, gifted, pursued, anointed, equipped, irreplaceable, victorious, safe, secure, a channel, beloved, we have a family.

Isn’t that amazing??  I thank God for this revelation in my prayers every morning.  But honestly, I didn’t really get it until a few days ago and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and how much I wanted to share it with you.  See, it occurred to me that I felt many of these things in some degree or another for my own children before they were even conceived and while I was awaiting their arrival.  It makes perfect sense that our heavenly father would feel this about each one of us - but on a much bigger scale.  All of a sudden I thought about people I know who don’t always feel their worth.  I think about people who feel abandoned, people that don’t have earthly families, people that have lost their parents, people that have hurtful relationships, people that feel alone.  Oh wow, how we all need to hear this!  How we all need to know every single day that God (the best dad ever!) planned for us.  Planned for you, wanted you, longed for you, created you to be a part of his family, made a place for you!  And not just in the past tense, but in the present and future tense too.  Not only did he set up your nursery, but he set aside your college fund and inheritance!  He made a life for you, and while things aren’t always as we would have them – He set them up masterfully so that you would be in the best possible place to inherit the good stuff when it’s all said and done.  If, before we had our kids, I had the means to line up everything for them to end up in just the right place when the last sun sets – wouldn’t I do that?  To give them the experiences that they need and will make them good people, even if it isn’t always what they want or when they want it?  To set them up for success even if that means having to present them with obstacles I know they’ll make it through?  I would so do that.  It’s genius!

“Whatever your struggles or failures, those are not the truest things about you”.  I hope that if you didn’t know what His feelings for you were when you were written into His plan, you will take joy in knowing the truth now.

To The Test

This morning my third grader had a little apprehension leaving for school.  You see, this is her first time taking the STAAR test.  So much has been made about this test, it’s significance, what it says about the teacher, what it says about the student, what it means if you don’t do well.  If tests don’t already give you the heebie geebies, the importance placed on this one test would surely make your knees wobble a bit!  I understand the need to get a good night’s rest before a long test, to eat a plentiful breakfast before engaging your brain, to bring an extra pencil – those are all good habits to prepare for any big day.  My problem is when you turn the promotion of good habits into all-out fear mongering.  Yes, this test is important.  Yes, this test has consequences.  But, the need for our kids to do well shouldn’t rest on the 4 days a year when they sit down to several hours of standardized testing.  Growing up, I was told it was important to do my best on every assignment.   I made my best efforts to get an A on my math homework and my weekly spelling test just as much as I did to score well on music assignments and physical aptitude tests in P.E.!  When it came time to take state tests, my teachers emphasized that they were assessments of all of the material we had already mastered throughout the year.   There were no pep rallies planned to send us off, like we were going into battle.  We didn’t designate a portion of each class period to practice taking the test every day.  Fear was not a factor.

Dear Lord, as our kids head to school this week to be assessed, I hope for their reassurance.  I pray that each of them will walk to class with confidence in their ability and with faith in you God, that you will give them comfort and steady their nerves.  I pray they are rested and nourished, that their teachers and parents have done well in preparing them for the next school year and that this will be evident in their assessment this week.

Joshua 1:9 – Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Listen and Obey (04/01/14)

Oh my, His works are so wondrous!  I’m unfailingly amazed at the way He makes things happen.  I’ll share this story in hopes it will speak to you.

This Lenten season, I’ve been trying to focus on the sacrifice of Christ and what that means to me and my family.  I truly wanted to be renewed, which is really what Lent is all about.  So many times I have viewed Lent as a time of solace and suffering in order to earn my right to sit at the Lord’s table.  Oh, go on and laugh, I know how ridiculous that is – now.  I didn’t always get it though.  When you say sacrifice, you think of giving something up.  Taking away something you enjoy.  Doing without something you like.  It really gives such a direct message, doesn’t it?  Put away something pleasurable, endure a hardship, sacrifice. 

As a mom, I know a few things about sacrifice.  How many of us have opted out of exchanging Christmas gifts with our spouse so that we might make sure our kids get that special something they were hoping for?  I watched my parents do stuff for me and my brother all the time, while they sacrificed their own little niceties.  Only now, as a parent,  could I really understand how much joy it brings me to give to my kids – even if it means I do without.  I imagine God gives like that – out of love – taking joy in our joy.

So, back to Lent…  This Lent the message has hit me differently.  I have heard over and over stories from the bible where people did as they were asked and it changed them.  The Samaritan woman at the well who met Jesus and drew him water.  The lame man at the pool of Bethesda who picked up his mat and walked.  I’ve been encouraged this season to sacrifice my time, to act in faith and obedience, but to look at it all as a way of changing who I am – that I may become closer to Jesus.  That my relationship might be made more than what it is now, more than it has ever been.  Uh, yeah I want that!  My Lenten offering is to read the bible daily and to really reflect on what I read and share it in this blog as often as possible.   It’s harder than you might think to sit down and not get distracted while you meditate on the word.  I mean, it’s like a feast – you need to take proper time to sit at the table, be served a meal that will fill you up, eat every bite, enjoy visiting with your host and digest what you’ve just eaten.  This takes time.  I’m doing okay on the readings, not perfect, but the reflection is rougher and the blogging is just flat hard.  I’ve noticed the part about visiting with my host has become a luxury that I tend to rush through and the part about writing and sharing just gets left off altogether.  So this morning I told Him that I missed our visits and I asked Him to speak to me to give me a message to share.  In return He said, “read the book.  I will always speak to you there.”  Of course my day got hectic and I rushed right through without stopping to read the word.  Later in the afternoon, I felt a feeling of unease that I haven’t felt in several weeks.  I’ve been so grateful for the noticeable difference in my days and nights, but why was it creeping in now?  Sweaty, mind racing, anticipatory… I thought to redirect my focus and pray.  But I just couldn’t speak, when it crossed my mind to listen.  I pulled out my bible app and dug in.  The message was fitting and encouraged me to trudge through the difficult moments.   But, like the doting and loving Dad He is, He did me one better.  You see I was closing my phone when up popped a FB message from a friend I hadn’t seen or spoken to in quite some time.  Her message was about this blog!  A message of encouragement and support and she told me about her neighbor who was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks too.  She planned to share this blog with her neighbor. 

Oh Jesus!  That I might be able to help someone right now just by being faithful and doing what you ask.  I was instantly assured and renewed.  Yes, how you work amazes me every day.  Your love is the best love story, you never fail to surprise me and make me feel like a million bucks!

And for the neighbor or anyone else that feels like you’re lost at sea…  He walks on water!

Lead Me Not Into Temptation

First, I apologize for being a little absent.  I've been a little stuck lately, trying to put into words what is put on my heart by the Lord.  Honestly, it's been an internal struggle with how to make His message not offend some.  However, I admit, that's not for me to determine.  I was recently reminded by my brave friend Jonathan how being a member of God's family is not always well received nor is it an easy undertaking to stand by your man when that man is Adonai.  It further reinforced the message I was receiving and actually encouraged me to embrace the fears I had about sharing this message in particular.  Of course the Lord always provides and He didn't disappoint, providing me with the perfect parallel to His message yet again.  As always, I hope it speaks to your heart. Enjoy!

So it is that although we may each have a cross to bear, we also are given free will to make choices.  As you know, I have struggled with a tug of war between stress, anxiety and then guilt and depression that come from succumbing to that cycle.  For years, it has been quite a difficult journey where progress is sometimes measured by two steps forward and one step back.  However, recently I was blessed with God's undeniable word and His amazing mercy and grace to heal my wounds and to relieve me of my afflictions.  Now, let me explain.  This doesn't mean I will no longer have anxiety or panic attacks (something that took me a little by surprise and honestly caused me to question if I misunderstood His message).  I was given His word, absolute truth, as an instrument - a weapon, if you will - to wield against the enemy when he knocks on the door.  You see, like many things that people struggle with, my anxiety is a temptation.  Some people are tempted by alcohol and drugs, some by inappropriate or dangerous relationships, others by gambling or any of a host of other vices.  For me, it's a fondness for my worldly relationships, human mortality and need for reassurance.  While I am hopeful that at some point there won't be a knock at the door anymore at all, I have to accept that in order for that to happen, I'll have to work day and night to discourage the enemy.  I'll have to wear him down.  But the enemy is tricky, so I'll need to stay in top condition just in case he tries again.

You know how when a sales guy comes to your door trying to get you to buy a vacuum, you answer the door to let him down easy, tell him you're not interested in what he's selling?  But you still went to the door, you opened it, honestly he still has a chance of selling you on it.  Maybe you say, "oh I'll have to talk to my spouse about it" and he goes away.  But, he'll be back, he'll knock again.  And after coming by time after time with no one coming to the door he might finally give up.  Or, he may pop back up in a few months and catch you off guard.  He might even get invited in to do a demonstration - oh no!

We cannot allow ourselves to fall to temptation.  It's safer not to even answer the door, don't acknowledge the enemy, we don't need a demonstration!  (Matthew 4:1-11)

But don't worry, we need not work alone, the Lord is always in our corner, always has our back.  And although we may struggle with temptation, we have not been abandoned and we are not cast out on our rears.  He has promised us that through Jesus Christ we have been acquitted and justified.  (Romans 5:12-19)  As always, all we need to do is ask.  Go to Him in prayer with a thankful heart and tell Him how much you need His love and assistance.

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FYI, I watched a really good movie with my family last night.  For me and the things I struggle with, it was an especially touching message of how many ways we can look at each day and enjoy them.  Check it out if you'd like, About Time with Rachel McAdams (she's adorable).

And just because I think it relates and it is so beautiful:

Romans 5:1-11, Faith, Hope, and Love. 1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access [by faith] to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance,4 and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us. 6 For Christ, while we were still helpless, yet died at the appointed time for the ungodly.7 Indeed, only with difficulty does one die for a just person, though perhaps for a good person one might even find courage to die. 8 But God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. 9 How much more then, since we are now justified by his blood, will we be saved through him from the wrath. 10 Indeed, if, while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of his Son, how much more, once reconciled, will we be saved by his life. 11 Not only that, but we also boast of God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Scripture courtesy of www.usccb.org/bible

Shout It From The Rooftops!

Well, one of the things God asked me to do when I started this blog, was to be a testimony even though I might be knee-deep in the chaos. Even if I wasn't yet fixed up and mended.  I remember thinking that wouldn't be very persuasive to people that might read or follow along.  You see, my earthly mind only sees so much and my first reaction was, why would people come to Christ if I testified then?  How could I convince anyone if I was just a dirty hot mess?  His answer, as I've said before was as clear as a bell, 'How better to testify about belief and trust in Him, if not then'?  This wasn't the only time he urged me on, I had lots of reservations on how to move forward with my testimony and with my life in general.  You see, I suffered from severe and frequent anxiety and panic attacks and they made moving in any direction quite a challenge.  However I promised, as incapable as I am of making a perfect promise, that once He had declared me healed I would proclaim it for all to hear.  In fact I said I would shout it out and spread the word.  Yep, that's what I promised.

So then why is it when I went to a women's retreat a month ago and had such an amazing revelation that I didn't say a word?  Now, sure I didn't tell a web full of strangers about something so strikingly personal and intimate - okay. But, I didn't tell my nearest and dearest either. Not my mom, my kids, my family, my friends. Not even my best friend who sat next to me and held me to her side as I was sobbing uncontrollably with joy and elation, trying to process God's message to me! Until now, I didn't say a word. These weren't just family, just friends, these were people impacted by my illness, invested in my recovery. These were people that have been on this journey with me for years. Painful, wrentching years.  Even my husband waited for days before I mentioned what happened to me that day. Mentioned. Not a shout, but a mention. Curbed in a way that was hopeful, but not sure.  I told him about it in private, unable to claim it the way it was gifted to me.  It's like I didn't want to put it out there for  anyone to hold me to, you know in the event I misunderstood, in case I got it wrong.  I've noticed the difference too, everyday. The way I look at the triggers that used to turn me upside down has changed. The way my body reacts to different situations is different.  Still, I said nothing, I did nothing.

Oh, I am not ungrateful, in case you were wondering. I praised Him daily for the blessing,  and often.  Spent more quality time in worship even.  But it wasn't what I had promised, it wasn't the same as proclaiming His glory at the top of my lungs. It wasn't the same as bearing witness to His love.

Over the last couple of weeks I've heard direct reference to Matthew 5:14-16  You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father.  So, when I faltered the last two days and needed My Dad in heaven to remind me who I am, I recalled the promise I'd been too afraid to keep. And while my healing does require my dependence on Him always, my trust in Him always and that does mean I can falter, His truth is perfect and unfailing always. So when He reminds me the name He has written on my heart with His own hands, I can rely fully on that truth without a doubt.  And you know what? It's like that saying, God don't make no junk, He didn't make me to be afraid, to worry to fear things of this world and that's not how He named me or how He sees me.

The Father has healed this imperfect child of His.  He has given me authority over my enemy and will never leave my side. He did this out of love for me and I will lift my voice to praise Him and return that love the best that I can. I will not be perfect, but He already knows that and has chosen to love me anyway.

Dream Chaser

Sleep really is a blessing.  When you have a family, work and other responsibilities each day, getting enough sleep is not just about the luxury of staying snuggled up in your bed on a cold morning.  Getting a good night’s rest is about your health.  Studies show that lack of sleep can result in impaired judgement, los s of sex drive, aging skin, heart disease, diabetes as well as a host of other health woes.  Moreover, these and other effects of inadequate sleep can affect your ability to be at your best in anything you do.  So, when I have trouble sleeping twice in one week, I start to ask myself about the reason for waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep.

Over the years I’ve noted dreams being one culprit for waking me at odd hours in the night.  A few years ago and even more recently I’ve come across some folks that firmly believe in dream interpretation.  As someone that suffered from anxiety (and quite frankly, an active imagination), using those tools to try and explain my dreams put me in a tough spot.  You see, the dreams and their interpretations weren’t always in line with God’s word.  In a way, dream interpretation incited new fears in me and even led me to follow those fears to even darker and more unstable places.  What’s worse is it led me away from God, led me to trusting in myself and outside resources, when what I should have done was consulted Him from the start.  You see, there is no perfect truth outside of God’s word.  That’s it, it’s that simple.  (Jeremiah 23:9-28)

Right now I’m working on just five hours of sleep, a little headache and an empty stomach.  My first intuition this morning was to access what ails me and self-diagnose what they could mean, but decided to talk to my Dad in heaven first.  (He’s the best counselor and there’s never a wait!)  His word really is all the nourishment I needed.  In fact, maybe I’ll take a nap this afternoon – just for luxury!